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ChukoLiang

01-01-2009, 08:50 AM

Don't call it a comeback! FOXKEI GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT!

ahem. Gentlemen, I present to thee, my dear foxkei thread.

Jan 1, 2009, 3:44 A.M. at the time I wrote this sentence.

Well, my computer's taken a turn for the worse. I need an external hard drive to back up my extensive music collection and, more importantly, all my scattered poetry and book work.

SHADOW BOXIN' WHEN I HEARD YOU ON THE RA-DI-O! I JUST DON'T KNOW!

Today I played guitar. I'm terrible at it, but it's fun. Yeah. I've gone back to Rogue Galaxy for some reason, not quite sure why. That and Ace Combat Zero. I'm at the glatisant mission (massive fortress system covered in anti air defenses) and I was within 100 points of clearing it when I spazzed out and snapped out of it just before I crashed into the ground. Yeah. Ball of flames with 100 points to go. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE that. But hey, nothing to do but try again later. Persona 4 is pretty cool. I'm somewhat far in, I logged 40 hours but a good 10 of those or so were when I passed out playing the game because I was so very very tired.

I need to get back on a decent sleeping schedule before school starts again or I'll be totally screwed. Friday I go out to try to get my learner's permit for driving. Woo hoo. To be honest, the thought of driving terrifies me horribly.

And now I'm going to restart for these uninstallations.

But first, if anyone would please, say, make me a badass avatar and/or sig, I'd be grateful. You guys know what I like. If you have any questions about stuff, PM me. I'd send you pics, but I'm incapable of that at the moment.

AmuroRay

01-01-2009, 02:07 PM

Cool Chuko, driving will be awesome once you get used to it. Learners permit, I believe you still need a parent to go with you right? Well good luck with the test!

WanderingMind

01-01-2009, 02:50 PM

Good luck on getting your learner's permit! If you get one, congrats! In Florida, I got my learner's permit when I was 15. I could have gotten my driver's license a year later, but I waited until I was 17. The point is that you should get your license as soon as possible. Getting mine was one of the best things to happen in my life.

KomodoAce

01-01-2009, 05:29 PM

I got a guitar book/instructional video for Christmas and it has been nothing but useful to me.

I can play the riff for Superstition now, just because I learned the Pentatonic Minor Scale.

ChukoLiang

01-01-2009, 06:17 PM

I'm closing this IE window, hopefully for the last time.

WanderingMind

01-01-2009, 09:14 PM

I haven't used IE on my Mac in ages.

ChukoLiang

01-05-2009, 11:04 AM

So today, I lost my ID badge. Great. I'll start the year out with detention. Yay.

I'm posting this here not because I expect you guys to help (an expectation that could only come with marvelous idiocy) but because I hope to find it now. It's twisted logic that always seems to work for me.

WanderingMind

01-06-2009, 02:55 AM

I used to forget my ID every once in a while back in high school. Sometimes, I would make it through the day without getting caught. Otherwise, I would have to buy a temporary ID sticker for $1 which was good for that day or get a replacement ID for $10. I went to school 40 minutes away from home, so there was no way I could get my ID if I forgot it in the morning.

I had to wear my ID on a lanyard around my neck.

KomodoAce

01-06-2009, 03:12 AM

Fact, when I was going to a private school in the Philippines, you were required to wear your id badge at all times.

If it was even turned over, you'd get in trouble. One day I was just walking around the courtyard and one of those student patrol suckers stopped me.

I didn't even notice that my ID badge was turned over. I nearly got in trouble, but my English teacher interrupted and saved my ass.

WanderingMind

01-06-2009, 03:13 AM

One of my teachers would make everyone in my class stand up to see if we were wearing our IDs. That was usually when I would get caught if I forgot mine.

KomodoAce

01-06-2009, 03:15 AM

Stupid ids. They should inject us with nanos instead!

ChukoLiang

01-06-2009, 04:06 AM

"f*** that sh** cause I ain't the one,
for a pork muthaf***er with a badge and a gun..."

Definitely can't come back here while at school. Hahahahah.

WanderingMind

01-06-2009, 03:44 PM

I never had a problem going on the 1.0 forum while I was doing my internship at my congressman's office last summer. I often had long periods of time between phone calls where I would have nothing to do, especially after the first two weeks at work. We switched to the 2.0 forum during my last day at work (August 1).

ChukoLiang

01-06-2009, 09:11 PM

well, I'm in a small room with a bunch of other people and a teacher looking over our shoulders. I think it'd be hard to explain some of the stuff on here.

Also, today I'm going to go spend my $25 gift card for Barnes and Noble. Wish me luck!

WanderingMind

01-07-2009, 03:25 AM

AmuroRay

01-07-2009, 03:54 AM

$25, if I was you, I'd use it to buy my next 3 Rurouni Kenshin Mangas. Although i would have to add a little more, for tax.

WanderingMind

01-07-2009, 03:57 AM

Rurouni Kenshin is a great manga. Another manga recommendation is Trigun. You can't go wrong with it.

ChukoLiang

01-07-2009, 03:58 AM

I didn't go to B&N today, because we didn't find it. Know where it is now, though.

So. Anyone know any good novels I can buy for my book report thing? Has to be 250+ pages and cannot be a movie.

AmuroRay

01-07-2009, 04:01 AM

Ever read the Bourne Conspiracy? It's not a movie!!! yet

WanderingMind

01-07-2009, 11:33 PM

I recommend Childhood's End by Arthur C. Clarke. Never been turned into a movie.

ChukoLiang

01-17-2009, 04:06 AM

So I'm moving. Yeah.

AlucardsFate

01-17-2009, 04:20 AM

So I'm moving. Yeah.

Where to?

Vallachia?

If so...that castle on the mountain cliff? With the forest below? Stay away from that castle...Or take me with you...I know my way around...

WanderingMind

01-17-2009, 04:23 AM

I've moved twice in my life, although I stayed in the same town each time.

AmuroRay

01-17-2009, 04:28 AM

Well, good luck and have a safe trip on your move Chuko.

SnakeEyez

01-17-2009, 04:30 AM

Well, at least you'll still be able to stay in touch with your minions through Foxkei. Not much consolation, but hey.

Where will you be moving this time?

ChukoLiang

01-17-2009, 04:41 AM

AlucardsFate

01-17-2009, 04:47 AM

hopefully within town, but that's not a guarantee.

The owners of the house want to sell. So they told us that. Then they said, in the same phone conversation "By the way, someone who wants to buy is coming by tomorrow."

Son of a bitch.

I've been there...the house I grew up in was sold unceremoniously like that...

I've lived here ever since....

SnakeEyez

01-17-2009, 04:59 AM

hopefully within town, but that's not a guarantee.

The owners of the house want to sell. So they told us that. Then they said, in the same phone conversation "By the way, someone who wants to buy is coming by tomorrow."

Son of a bitch.

Oh, okay. So you won't be moving away from all your friends and everything, right? That's what I originally thought.

Baberific

01-17-2009, 05:02 PM

Huh, I've moved about 4 times in my life...and each time my room got horrendously smaller.

But hey, unlike me, you probably aren't moving away from any friends.

ChukoLiang

01-18-2009, 03:59 AM

Okay. So. For PSRT and anyone else who is on an off chance interested (I ain't holding my breath) here's some progress in my story that's actually substantial. Skeletal, but substantial.

PSRT

01-18-2009, 04:16 AM

I'm gonna hit the hay for tonight, but I'll check it out first thing tomorrow morning and let you know what I think. Judging from your description, it sounds pretty interesting...for some reason, it brought up images of the Ender series, but I'm not sure why...

ChukoLiang

01-18-2009, 04:20 AM

never heard of the ender series. If it's a fantasy or a sci-fi book, the reason I haven't read it is I'm cutting myself off so I can't accidentally rip off any of them.

Heiae

01-18-2009, 04:25 AM

Ender series? Ender's Game and the such?

ReverendHobo

01-18-2009, 04:34 AM

I enjoy those books...

I've read most of them.

WanderingMind

01-18-2009, 04:44 AM

I just read what you posted and played Blue from the Cowboy Bebop OST when you had it in brackets. It's looking good so far.

Now...if only I could start writing my story...

ChukoLiang

01-18-2009, 05:15 AM

Amazing news, everyone.

I used to have a small cache of SNES and N64 games (some of which belonged to another fellow, but hey, he took my pokemon yellow version, that bitch) and I left them with a friend of mine in indiana I never expected to see again.

He contacted me a little while ago. He said he'd mail em to me if I wanted him to.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! Just gotta wait to move, and it'll all be good!

PSRT

01-18-2009, 05:05 PM

Ender series? Ender's Game and the such?

Yeah, that's what I was referencing...for some reason, the summary Chuko sent me reminded me a lot of it. And yeah, it's sci-fi.

ChukoLiang

01-24-2009, 06:20 PM

WM sent me a kirby medley remix. I didn't remember to check it out til last night.

Oh god. It's incredible.

WanderingMind

01-24-2009, 07:33 PM

I thought you would like it. :D

ChukoLiang

01-28-2009, 03:35 PM

Yeah. So. I'm learning to play a song. This song, actually:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJ9wQgWA0HM

For a very good reason! If you listen to the chorus, you'll notice it includes the lyric "cause I love you's not enough, I'm lost for words"

PSM got him a ladyfriend.

No I will not be answering any questions you have here. PM me if you wanna know details. I HAVE MY REASONS!

KomodoAce

01-28-2009, 03:36 PM

High five Chuko!!

We need to make some club for Foxkei members with lady friends.

ChukoLiang

01-28-2009, 03:39 PM

we need a medal!

Hahahahah.

KomodoAce

01-28-2009, 03:42 PM

Word.

I'll ask you about the details via PM, as you requested.

WanderingMind

01-28-2009, 04:05 PM

Congrats! Go you!

SnakeEyez

01-28-2009, 11:24 PM

Here's hoping this one doesn't turn out to be crazy.

Umbrae

01-29-2009, 12:00 AM

PSM got him a ladyfriend.

No I will not be answering any questions you have here. PM me if you wanna know details. I HAVE MY REASONS!
Reason: trap.

AmuroRay

01-29-2009, 12:53 PM

If PSM got himself a Lady friend, that means he won't be on here as much...we shall see.

Heiae

01-29-2009, 08:41 PM

Reason: trap.

That's the first thing I thought.

Crunkman2000

01-29-2009, 09:00 PM

Reason: trap.

As in a Buri trap? Or a small moon?

Because either way, he's screwed.

I'm shittin' ya, PSM. Congrats.

Hero_X

01-29-2009, 09:03 PM

psm + ladyfriend = win

ChukoLiang

02-05-2009, 05:31 AM

I got my facebook account disabled.

What the fuck people? I just wanted to sign on, add Stephen Schwartz, and be on my way. But no. You've gotta fuck with me.

I hate you, facebook.

WanderingMind

02-05-2009, 06:19 PM

I got my facebook account disabled.

What the fuck people? I just wanted to sign on, add Stephen Schwartz, and be on my way. But no. You've gotta fuck with me.

I hate you, facebook.

Facebook can be screwy from time to time.

ChukoLiang

02-07-2009, 04:54 AM

Ah, I love people. I love you all! You're all so much fun!

And the people at school. They're either neutral or awesome. I don't run into douchebags ever. Nobody ever messes with me!

And of course, Meredith is amazing.

What else? I dunno. I'm not very good at writing about myself.

Oh, right. I helped crunkman fix his SF2 compilation thingy. Well, more, I provided the tools. And on a side note, for about a month or so he won't be on. Computer's down. A shame.

Baberific

02-07-2009, 06:45 AM

ChukoLiang

02-17-2009, 11:44 AM

I have something you all may enjoy.

But I think the filesize is too big, and I'm lazy. It's a scanned image. Anyone wanna cut it down for me by cutting out all the white around it?

AlucardsFate

02-17-2009, 11:53 AM

I have something you all may enjoy.

But I think the filesize is too big, and I'm lazy. It's a scanned image. Anyone wanna cut it down for me by cutting out all the white around it?

Send it to me....

ChukoLiang

02-18-2009, 02:26 AM

Woo hoo! Go alucards!

I am Frankenslut the Rape Sponge.

WanderingMind

02-18-2009, 04:09 AM

I like the sunglasses...

:cool:

SnakeEyez

02-18-2009, 04:23 AM

Frankenslut the Rape Sponge, eh? Surely there is a story behind this jolly little character.

ChukoLiang

02-18-2009, 04:54 AM

research into that topic is being done. I don't remember....hahahahh....

edit:

TiRO says (11:53 PM):
oh! Snakeeyez wants to know the story behind frankenslut the rape sponge
TiRO says (11:53 PM):
and I don't remember most of it
TiRO says (11:53 PM):
how does it go?
BabelfishII says (11:54 PM):
I just remember reviewing vocab terms for a zoology test.
BabelfishII says (11:54 PM):
I don't even remember how we got onto the topic of you being a rapesponge.
BabelfishII says (11:54 PM):
I just know I was studying sponges and cnidarians.
TiRO says (11:56 PM):
it was walker's fault
BabelfishII says (11:56 PM):
Yeah.
BabelfishII says (11:56 PM):
I think my studying got to him.
BabelfishII says (11:56 PM):
But you've been Frankenslut forever.
TiRO says (11:56 PM):
your dramatic readings
BabelfishII says (11:56 PM):
Yes.
BabelfishII says (11:56 PM):
My dramatic readings!

SnakeEyez

02-18-2009, 11:52 PM

I assume it was drawn by the same girl who did Crunkman's sexy bacon and Hobo's dramatic showdown with a dinosaur? Kima, right? If so, be sure to give her my compliments. Tell her some creepy guy over the internet she doesn't know thinks her drawings are purdy.

ChukoLiang

02-27-2009, 03:36 AM

Update, February 26th soon to be 27th.

I am going insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain.

I'm swamped in schoolwork I should've done a long time ago. But then again, I shouldn't be bitching here, so I'll make this short:

After this weekend, I'm going to get as much work done as possible. I might not be on as much. Yes, I know I already haven't been on much. Blame the musical and Persona 4. Yes, I know, I'm a bad person for playing that when I should be doing schoolwork. I've already yelled at myself.

So yeah. Now you know.

EDIT: And I intend to at least TRY to remember to vote on the tournaments. I need to make it a habit again...

WanderingMind

02-28-2009, 01:38 AM

I haven't been so good about voting this season because I really don't have the time to look up stuff for some of the lesser known characters before I make a vote.

ChukoLiang

03-09-2009, 02:41 AM

hahah.

I'm single. As if THAT wasn't gonna happen. Pfft, me with a girlfriend just doesn't ever happen for long. Hahah. Hahah.

ReverendHobo

03-09-2009, 02:52 AM

Oh, has booster gone in the tournament yet?

SnakeEyez

03-09-2009, 02:53 AM

Oh, has booster gone in the tournament yet?

Yes he has!

He lost in the first round. :neko_026:

ReverendHobo

03-09-2009, 02:54 AM

DAMN YOU COLLECTIVE INTERWEEEEEEEBS!

DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

why doth the interwebs be dissin' all up on my boosta?

SnakeEyez

03-09-2009, 02:56 AM

They just voted against him because they were jealous of his manly, rugged Booster Beard. That's the only explanation.

ReverendHobo

03-09-2009, 03:02 AM

That must be it...

I mean, there's no other reason he was voted against every time.

PREJUDICE I SAY!

He's got a fucking train. A train for God's sake. Epic knows how it works.

http://ctrlaltdel-online.com/comics/20080225.jpg

ChukoLiang

03-09-2009, 03:07 AM

http://rolcats.com/

This is amazing. I can't stop...

Also, it's bullshit that DART, fucking DART, beat gilgamesh. He's a swordsman. Versus a temporarily invincible swordsman. With SIX ARMS.

Fedaykin

03-09-2009, 05:49 AM

Rolcats is awesome. Cats are awesome.

ChukoLiang

04-10-2009, 04:22 AM

I finally decided to use another drawing of Kima's as an avatar, this one scrawled quickly in the msn drawing thing.

I have an AMAZING rack.

WanderingMind

04-11-2009, 03:02 AM

What is happening to me...

Psilo

04-11-2009, 03:14 AM

^ What is happening is that you like it. ;D

Hero_X

04-11-2009, 03:16 AM

What is happening to me...

Puberty
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
"Pubescent" redirects here. For the botanical term, see Leaf#Surface of the leaf.

Puberty refers to the process of physical changes by which a child's body becomes an adult body capable of reproduction. Puberty is initiated by hormone signals from the brain to the gonads (the ovaries and testes). In response, the gonads produce a variety of hormones that stimulate the growth, function, or transformation of brain, bones, muscle, skin, breasts, and reproductive organs. Growth accelerates in the first half of puberty and stops at the completion of puberty. Before puberty, body differences between boys and girls are almost entirely restricted to the genitalia. During puberty, major differences of size, shape, composition, and function develop in many body structures and systems. The most obvious of these are referred to as secondary sex characteristics.

In a strict sense, the term puberty (and this article) refers to the bodily changes of sexual maturation rather than the psychosocial and cultural aspects of adolescent development. Adolescence is the period of psychological and social transition between childhood and adulthood. Adolescence largely overlaps the period of puberty, but its boundaries are less precisely defined and it refers as much to the psychosocial and cultural characteristics of development during the teen years as to the physical changes of puberty.

ChukoLiang

06-19-2009, 02:25 AM

fuck.

I'm stuck in minnesota for even longer. I hate this place.

KomodoAce

06-19-2009, 02:32 AM

Never been to Minnesota, only a stopover at the airport there once.

Based on the airport, it's a dreary place.

ChukoLiang

06-19-2009, 05:07 AM

it has been made moderately more enjoyable, thanks to promise of video games that are worth playing and the ability to watch movies AND computer time.

Grand_OoF

06-19-2009, 03:31 PM

I've never been to Minnesota myself. But one of my friends almost married a douchebag from there that she met through Myspace.

Is it extremely rustic?

ChukoLiang

06-19-2009, 03:32 PM

this section is. Oh man. There's nothin' here.

Grand_OoF

06-19-2009, 03:39 PM

this section is. Oh man. There's nothin' here.

Well, take it in stride. I'm currently living in Marble Falls. To be honest, I like it a lot. There's enough for me to do (mini-golf, a military museum, hiking, a movie theater) but the population is MAYBE 4,000 people. Possibly a little more. And the closest video game store I have is a Bestbuy near Austin that's about 40 miles or so away.

ChukoLiang

06-19-2009, 03:41 PM

ah. I live in a place where there are at least three gamestops within an hour of me. I miss it...

ChukoLiang

06-25-2009, 07:22 AM

I RETURN! In triumph. For I have Dynasty Warriors 6 for PS2 and...wait, where in the blazes is my ps2?

oh, okay, it's right where I left it. Nobody took it. Phew. Anyway.

I SURVIVED MINNESOTA! YAAAAY!

AlucardsFate

06-25-2009, 09:40 AM

ChukoLiang

08-02-2009, 07:08 PM

I'm pissed off. School starts soon, I don't know if I want to do any AP classes at all, though I want to know people who belong there. I don't know if I want to take drama 2, as it's even harder than the first class.

But that's not why I'm pissed off. FALLOUT 3 SPOILERS!

I make it to the very end of the game. Liberty Prime nuked me "accidentally". Then he wouldn't go through the first gate when I started over. God dammit fallout.

Also, people are driving me crazy. I'm surrounded by the flu. Probably gonna catch it and then not be able to go anywhere the rest of the month. Damnable nephews, stealing my last summer!

Sometimes it's not worth leaving my room.

RedWizard

08-02-2009, 11:36 PM

Fedaykin

08-03-2009, 04:59 AM

Make sure you grab that Hellfire Armor from the Enclave soldiers. Shit's amazin compared to the other Power Armor models.

Agreed. Though I'm using the Winterized t-51b power armor. It never degrades yay!

RedWizard

08-03-2009, 05:37 AM

Agreed. Though I'm using the Winterized t-51b power armor. It never degrades yay!

I've got myself a Power Armor collection... I have 2 of each version stashed in my storage area at home (except the uniques like the T-51b, winterized T-51b, and the Medic Power Armor)!

ChukoLiang

08-20-2009, 11:23 AM

YouTube - The Protomen - Funeral for a Son

My PS3 no longer functions. God dammit. It doesn't even turn on. And I tried two different power cords. At least one of them I KNOW works cause it works for my amp.

AlucardsFate

08-20-2009, 11:38 AM

YouTube - The Protomen - Funeral for a Son (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zniur_5NsfA)

My PS3 no longer functions. God dammit. It doesn't even turn on. And I tried two different power cords. At least one of them I KNOW works cause it works for my amp.

That sucks...

Suspiciously...it died right as the price drop hits....

Eerie...I'd better try to turn mine on...

Heiae

08-20-2009, 12:36 PM

Is your warranty still valid? I know some people whose PS3 failed and they didn't have to pay anything to get it fixed.

Though I don't know the specifics.

ChukoLiang

08-21-2009, 03:40 AM

I bought it used from a friend's brother. So I don't have a warranty.

Yeah. Suckage.

Also:

All work and no play makes jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes jack a dull boy. All work and no play...

AP classes are amazing, and I think I'm going to be sucker-punched by them.

WanderingMind

08-21-2009, 03:36 PM

Good luck with those AP classes. Do well on them and that's less classes you have to take in college.

Sorry to hear about your PS3.

ChukoLiang

08-26-2009, 11:43 AM

Holy crap. Day 5 of UNRELENTING BARRAGE OF ASSIGNMENTS begins soon!

Sucker punch has been inflicted. So far I managed to get a 47 (before the curve) in AP US History on the FIRST TEST, I managed to completely fail to do the AP English III essay over a character in East of Eden altogether, and I got a 3 out of thirteen on the first pop quiz in AP Psych, which is over material we'd JUST READ. Like, literally. "Close your books. Pop quiz time!"

To be fair, after the curve I had a 77 (yeah, 30 point curve FOR THE WIN!) and the first pop quiz never counts in Wolfe's classes (thank god.)

But...I still haven't finished east of eden (page 263 or so out of 580 something) and the final on that is Friday. I need to completely avoid all social contact and just read, read read.

Oh yes, forgot to mention drama II. We're required to perform monologues at at least one competition this year. Dammit all! So on top of three AP classes, on top of academic team, on top of chemistry, a class in which I can't stay awake the entire hour (Stinnett's just so boring...) and Algebra II (sequel to my hated enemy, Algebra I) I have to memorize a monologue, two pieces, in which there MUST be at least...I believe it's 5:30 in time, and 5:45 max. That's the golden zone. Oh yeah, AND be crew for competitive one-act (which is a short play), meaning guess what I get to do!?!? I get to move stuff quickly between scenes! Silently! And my drama teacher will flay us all if we don't do it perfectly!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

edit: But you know what, Churchill? I'm not gonna lose enthusiasm! Even if I fail miserably, I know there's next year! I can do this. Just gotta put devil summoner away...

WanderingMind

08-26-2009, 03:24 PM

ChukoLiang

09-30-2009, 05:07 PM

You can do it! :neko_042:

Devil Summoner is addictive, but you have to do what you must.

Your faith proved to be well placed! I'm fairly sure I have an A in AP Eng now, I know I have an A in APUSH, and...well...a grade in algebra 2. Everything else is either higher than a C or will be once I turn work in that I didn't get a chance to do because I switched into the class because I dropped AP Psych. Great decision, by the way, the class is killer. A real killer.

I got my drama 2 monologue down. Performed first. Did awful, but still got an 85. Sweet. Also on the drama lines, I have to make an Original Oratory! Yayyyyy...fun...oh yes, and it's due the day after fall break. Dammit Farnham.

Inspired by how sad the ramblings of walker and bechtel (but mostly walker) were along the lines of women ("I shoulda asked her out when I had the chance blah blah blah and her too and her and...") I successfully asked out and am now dating one of the members of the academic team's A team. She's awesome. And by far the most intelligent person on the team. (For anyone around here who doesn't know already, her name is Shauntel. Shouldn't surprise anyone, but eh, never know.)

Speaking of academic team, I'm the captain of the A team. It's fun! Though we got raped by edmond santa fe 450 to 10, but still...

been extremely stressed lately despite all the good things that have happened. Getting an average of 4 1/2 to 5 hours of sleep every night. Total.

WanderingMind

10-01-2009, 12:52 AM

Psychology is a bitch. I'm taking an intro course right now so I can get my lab science requirements out of the way. The lecture isn't too bad, but I'm disliking the lab portion because it can get annoying. I don't like how the labs take much longer to do than they should. Even though I have a 3 hour lab, it always lasts 2 hours and I think it can be finished even earlier.

One piece of advice is that you should keep your grades up even after the first half of the school year. You may think that you're pretty much done once you get into the college of your choice, if you decide to go to college, but you're still in school. Keep those grades up and finish strong. That's what I did.

ChukoLiang

10-12-2009, 09:57 AM

Yay for three-four hours of sleep because I'm sick! And I'm still going to school! YAY!

At least today should be easy. Damnable cough! Okay, except for the cough.

I'm learning to laugh at and recall, and not hate myself for, my mistakes. I don't really know why I have this problem, but I cringe every time I remember even petty mistakes I make. Yeah. Kind of a problem. But anyway! Today will be awesome! If I repeat it enough, it will be true! Yeah!

And it's a cold winter. (Big time bonus points for anyone who knows what song I got that from).

Okay. So. I'm bad at these journal post things. So yeah.

Crunkman2000

10-12-2009, 02:50 PM

I cringe at your mistakes too.

Especially the ones that revolve around overpowered bosses. Yes, I'm still bitter over that. And I'll never let you live it down!

ChukoLiang

10-12-2009, 09:24 PM

that wasn't a mistake. It was designed to piss you three off. Obviously it succeeded.

ChukoLiang

12-10-2009, 04:52 AM

Let's see...

I haven't been here in awhile. Why?

I've been ill, I've been missing school, I have 5 chapters of APUSH notes due friday, I have three APUSH tests (APUSH = AP US History) I have two AP ENG III essays due soon, I have no less than 8 math (algebra 2) assignments (none of which I understand) as well as a chem test and two chem papers (none of which I understand). Oh, and interior decorating bullshit. And then there's drama...

(and also there's MGO. Beautiful, beautiful MGO.)

Oh man, this sucks. But then, all I have to do is hold out til saturday, then there'll be academic team and THAT will be worth it.

WanderingMind

12-10-2009, 10:22 PM

Hope you can pull through. I'm sure you can. Just keep at it.

Oh how I don't miss high school at all now that I'm in college.

JesterDK

01-06-2010, 05:17 AM

Yar!

Also!

"Nard"

ReverendHobo

02-03-2010, 03:45 AM

Because I can't think of any other way to get it to you, Here you go:

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays
well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own
hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or
seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the
end. I`ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian
lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they
always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time.
Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,
not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my
dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept
on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by
the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The
same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing
them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before
you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot
him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be
carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless
absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large
red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button
marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on
anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF
switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a
small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or
leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child.
Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected
before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or
any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it
to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just
putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you,
there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen
to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a
fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she
was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd
betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not
indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to
miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual
could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap
knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman
footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually
defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited
power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a
handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the
job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I
AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct
any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except
for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion
are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not
desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before
ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All
important systems will have redundant control panels and power
supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two
fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it
cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my
enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death.
My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have
no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced
with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his
sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me
bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers
are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my
organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better
with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely
from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member
of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same
cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important
prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person
instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the
prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are
losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or
offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed
immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring
feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not
ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek
out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal
capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him
around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture
the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power
and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just
let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those
who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like
even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my
general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say
"And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill
some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What
can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the
advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy
me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of
waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or
technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever
broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can
destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it.
Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly
put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating
system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and
Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over
the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will
immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and
surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret
passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never
marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well"
and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt
to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their
place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on
important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will
first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship.
Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will
be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher
any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under
30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to
passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a
mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that
satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not
compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense
about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable
intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all
extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which
could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available
terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room
clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the
Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as
Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner.
Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts
the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by
repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards
will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction
as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past.
This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so.
However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to
spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will
be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed
in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by
creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will
always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so
that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the
other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup,
instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of
marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange
device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional
weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a
rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is
impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed
so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the
details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave
it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en
masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off
and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him
and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I
will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle
of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth
considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the
hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will
retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant
is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken
alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is
reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch,
as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made
into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send
out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively
stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances
behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of
quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous,
unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet,
then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new
drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not
to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred
altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total
eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the
button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in
use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not
berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try
the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not
immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I
believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the
hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every
workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted
and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current
entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt
him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me
new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves
me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely
return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly
gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the
hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to
stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete
with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his
cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch
a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the
control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the
control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that
contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will
carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and
affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have
forced them together against their will and they spend all their
time bickering and criticizing each other except during the
intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at
which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately
order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb
in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a
mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited
Internet access

FishinForSam

02-04-2010, 04:08 AM

Above post...totally.awesome!

ChukoLiang

07-13-2010, 04:19 AM

I drove all the way to Austin TX (a six hour drive one way for me) to see The Protomen, Duane and Brando, and the Super 8-Bit Brothers yesterday (sunday). Though it was plagued with problems before it ever started (Duane and Brando and Super 8-Bit Brothers both had to cancel and The Protomen drove straight past Austin and delayed the concert by an hour) all the problems were completely canceled out by the awesomeness that ensued.

The Protomen did a Meet and Greet after the show, and for the actual show played an extended setlist. For the main show, they played the ENTIRETY of Act 2: The Father of Death. For the encore, they played "The Will of One" (From the first album), "Mr. Roboto" (Which was totally awesome), then "The Sons of Fate" and "Due Vendetta" back to back, ending with one of the band members on the mic: 'Everyone, you've fought well! But now, it is time, as it is for all things someday: Game Over'. (I'm not positive of his exact wording, but that's the gist of it.)

The concert was over the top and amazing. Throughout the entire thing, the band maintained costume and composure despite the SWELTERING heat (Apparently Commander, one of the band members [keyboardist], was saying 'Man, this concert was rough. I can't remember any other concert that was hotter (note: it was BLAZING in that little room). Except maybe that one time that [a band member] passed out during a show...yeah, that might've been worse....') And the band themselves ROCKED. They all totally killed it, from the singer who played Wily getting WAY into it to the point that it was totally awesome, to the lead singer who REALLY took what the original recording sounded like and completely annihilated it, to the guy who hit a steel pipe with a mallet. That was his job. He hit a steel pipe with a mallet, introduced the band, said the last words, and played a couple characters. And he did an outSTANDING job of it. He came out and moshed with the people in the front (INCLUDING ME!!!!!! HELL YES!!!!) (I was in the front the ENTIRE time) and when the drummer tossed a stick into the crowd, it was ME who dove for it and claimed it. SO AWESOME. The entire band was getting into it. The drummer would stand up on his stool and lead the crowd in clapping, the guitarist on the right would wig out and actually broke his guitar strap with his neck from rocking out too hard. It was awesome. He dropped his guitar and went straight back to playing. My neck hurts from all the headbanging, but it was hardcore. SO hardcore. The friend I brought with me really stimulated the crowd, too, it was sweet.

After the show, I went to the game shop next door (picked up KOF 99, by the way) and bought two shirts (one for me and one for him) as well as a BIGASS poster of the album art. Got it signed by the ENTIRE ENTIRE ENTIIIIIIIRE BAND! It was so cool!

The Battle Of Austin was a success.

SnakeEyez

07-13-2010, 04:37 AM

Awesome. Sounds like you had a great time.

Baberific

07-13-2010, 04:39 AM

Must have rocked to see the protomen live! But damn! I would have been thoroughly pissed by the cancellation of Duane and Brando!

Especially after a 6 hour drive!

ChukoLiang

09-05-2011, 10:33 AM

Wow, been awhile since I posted in this thread. Just the way I like it. I actually saw The Protomen again recently, in OKC this time. It was awesome.

I'ma spoiler this bitch-rant, now. It's a bitch-rant. If you don't want to hear me bitch and moan, then don't read it (and also why are you in this thread to begin with?) :

So my girlfriend decided to break up with me via phone call 13 days before our two year anniversary, and explicitly stated it was because she wanted to date another guy without "Feeling guilty". Well that's nice. Couldn't wait the TWO DAYS til we had our next date planned for weeks to break up in person? That sends one message and one message only: "I can't wait two days to date this guy, so see ya later, chump."

Blah. Women. Such foul, fickle creatures.

Of course this was while I have been suffering from pnemonia that led to the doctor telling me "You need a new job, because if the mold from your current job is your problem, you WILL die." Well, at least I'm not gonna die for a shitty $7.50 an hour job. Fuck that shit. I will not die from coughing up both lungs while shitty country music plays in the background.

Then, THEN, my "brother" in his own words, not mine, my "best friend" decided to show his true colors finally.

taken from a conversation with another friend:

<I rant and rave about how I spent three days trying to get him to hang out with me AFTER he'd told other people IN FRONT OF ME that he could hang out "whenever" with THEM, and he KNEW I was going through a bunch of bullshit for two of those days.>

and today?
today he tells me he doesn't have gas, but I can see him at HIS apartment if I can get a ride.
oh, and when a mutual friend named TK called and asked if he wanted to go somewhere to hang with him while I was there?
he carefully omitted the part where we'd be leaving and told us "hey guys, TK's coming over"
I'm all "okay?"
note he had very very little to say to me while I was there
and in fact spent the entire time playing tekken 6 and mortal kombat
with Jonathan

who lives there with him.

and he said "well, TK's at the door. You guys ready to go?"

so yeah. Fun.

then I got dragged to see two other 'friends' who clearly hate my guts at their house

except we didn't go to their house, we went to the park where they were with like three other people

<the friend asks if it's his apartment>

his name's not on the lease. According to XXXX (one-half of the rightful leaseholders, the other being XXXXX) he once paid $20 of their electric bill and about $60 of rent

and apparently now it's HIS house

he didn't even say "our" house, no, it's HIS house

he even got into a short argument with me about it

<'are they tired of him being there?'>

they don't show it

but I don't know why they wouldn't be tired of his bullshit

If he'd pulled that shit HERE? His ass would be OUT.

but yeah

so we all went to the park

which I was not told we were going to til we were there

by the way

if I'd known?

I would not have gone

I ended up getting a ride home from my parents

because nobody there could bother to drive me

also, the amount of people who so much as said a word to me after I got there?

One. TK.

<he> never even noticed me.

<more discussion, leading to me saying this> :

he had very little to say to me the entire time (read as: SEVERAL hours)

and then once we made it to the park?

"Oh, hey, (guy whose name I didn't catch)! It's been forever man! *proceed to rant about demons' souls, a game I know little about and never played)

ignored me

flat out

TK's the ONLY person there at all concerned about me

I walked out with very little explanation

nobody came looking for me

nobody gave a shit

fuck all of them

I also wrote that "friend" a letter, of sorts. It's a notepad .txt file that is nothing but ranting and raving about how pissed I am at him and how many times he's FUCKED UP that I've put up with, and all the stupid and annoying BULLSHIT he does, etc. which I wrote while over there, at "*HIS*" apartment. For about 45 minutes straight. I'd put it in this post, but it is by itself too long to post here. Anyone who wants to read it I can PM to you as an attachment, but for some reason I doubt any of you would want to put that much effort into it. Short version: "FUCK YOU"

All in all, most everything sucks, so I'm going to just rock out some disgaea 4 tomorrow until everything stops SUCKING. May take awhile, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Hey, if you read all that? You're a badass. I guess.

KomodoAce

09-05-2011, 02:06 PM

I read all of that. Props to you for not letting yourself be treated like roadkill on the...road.
Life is too short to deal with fakes.

And your now ex girlfriend is a cunt. Lame reason.

ReverendHobo

09-05-2011, 04:13 PM

That sucks, man.

And I agree with Komodo, that's a shitty reason to break up with someone... Even shittier way to tell them.

I think I know who you're talking about as well, and if it is, you probably know my stance on him already. Either way, fuck 'em.

AlucardsFate

09-05-2011, 11:32 PM

I think I know who you're talking about as well, and if it is, you probably know my stance on him already. Either way, fuck 'em.

That's your stance on everybody..

...I accidentally thanked that post, oh well.

ReverendHobo

09-06-2011, 01:38 AM

That's your stance on everybody..

...I accidentally thanked that post, oh well.

Indeed.

Also, accidentally? Or subconsciously?

A Freudian thank, if you will.

SnakeEyez

09-06-2011, 03:23 AM

Oops. Looks like I accidentally thanked that post too.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't working out too well, Chuko. Hopefully your luck turns around soon.

ChukoLiang

09-06-2011, 04:36 AM

Thanks, guys!

My luck WILL turn around. If only thanks to D4. It is demanded. Fated, even.

AlucardsFate

09-06-2011, 07:12 AM

Thanks, guys!

My luck WILL turn around. If only thanks to D4. It is demanded. Fated, even.

Did they have a super mega ultra edition that comes with a buncha swag? Didja get it?

I figure that now I have to play Disgaea 3 one day, I spent an extra 99cents on Marjoly cause she was on sale last week. So I can download her whenever I please now.

ChukoLiang

09-10-2011, 12:06 AM

reposted and added to.

I did not get the $120 figurine version. I opted instead to spend an extra $10 on the extra box set (which was only $60; that's right, the default price is $50!) Came with a figurine and an art book and a fancy box.

update:

Well, denizens of foxkei, I'm thinking very strongly about doing something that, for the first time in my life, can honestly be considered "risky". No, it's not illegal.

I am strongly considering making a major change to my life, and, for once, manning up to do what is needed to make my life BETTER. The past few years I have been constantly and consistently growing and improving myself. This will be the first real test without training wheels in my life.

It's time. Now the only problem is: how do I pull it off?

I don't really wanna post exactly what I'm doing in this thread just yet, but I promise if I am able and this all works out I will do so. And you'll all marvel at my sudden change of balls...itude or something.

So many problems to work out, but I can do this, I know it. I want this like nothing else before. More than Disgaea 4, and that's saying something, hahah.

SnakeEyez

09-10-2011, 12:41 AM

You're going to grow a mustache? Good for you! I'm so proud of you. I'm sure you'll be very happy with this decision.

ChukoLiang

09-10-2011, 01:05 AM

I distinctly remember seeing photographic evidence of you, specifically you, with a badass mustache. Do you still have it?

But no. I've had facial hair for awhile. Does not hurt that I haven't shaved in weeks.

SnakeEyez

09-10-2011, 03:12 AM

I do not. I got tired of it. The goatee/partial beard/patch on my chin/whatever you want to call it is still there, though. That's the only facial hair I have at the moment.

ChukoLiang

09-13-2011, 11:53 AM

Noooo....

I shall listen to taps in memory of your mustache.

update: There are certain people to whom all I have left to say is: FUCK YOU.

Okay, well only one. Still.

Thankfully they are not an active member at foxkei and have not been in a long time.

ChukoLiang

09-25-2011, 09:11 PM

There it is again. That theme. To Zanarkand.

I'm gonna guess most of you have played final fantasy x, and that those who haven't have at least heard of it. It doesn't matter right now what you thought of it or how you felt about it. Just know this: It was my favorite game, ever, for many many years. Even now it may be my final hope to remain a gamer.

This is it. This is the focal point that started so much. My revived interest in video games. My love for so much, so many things.

I would like to take a moment to mention that had all this happened years ago, I would be posting this on 1up.com. Alas, that site is dead to me now, as it is to all of you.

Anyway.

I realize FFX is one of those games that divide people into camps. I am not here to discuss the finer points of it, just to...state my intent, I suppose. I don't know how all of your collective experiences went with it. But it was THE game I got a PS2 for, THE game I ended up joining 1up as a result of, and as such is THE game that led to me even being here on Foxkei.

So then.

I'm starting over. Right now the first major cutscene, where Sin own the FUCK out of zanarkand, is playing. I love this game, I really do. If I can't get into this game again I have absolutely no business playing video games in the first place. Not because of the game itself, but because of what it means to me. I'm not saying you aren't a gamer if you don't love this game.

I'm saying the day I stop loving it I will cease to be a gamer. And that's just...not a fate I want. I bought a ton of games yesterday and have not touched a single one of them. No wait, it was two days ago.

Time to kick ass.

See you later, guys. I won't be using my browser outside of possibly GameFAQS until I am satisfied with FFX and perhaps FFX-2 as well. Still haven't decided, I loved that game too and I DO Have a new game + save with 98.6% completion...

Thanks everyone.

SnakeEyez

09-25-2011, 09:53 PM

I wouldn't make a big deal out of your current gaming funk if I was you. We've all experienced it before. I love video games, but every now and then I get into one of those moods where I just don't feel like playing them and end up doing something else with my free time for a few weeks. It happens. Don't get too worried about it.

ChukoLiang

10-26-2011, 01:35 PM

Okay. This is a long, long update, probably.

Not for the faint of heart. I'm going to spoiler tag it so that you guys can scroll past it if you ever need to.

Now then.

I found out the always fun news not only did my ex dump me unceremoniously two days before I was going to see her next and 13 days before our two year anniversary, but she also cheated on me before doing so. This was the one thing that took it too far, for me, it would seem.

But I learned something about myself I may have known but never really thought about before. Something I am sure most if not all people have in them, but I never, ever considered it was part of me.

Despite all the bullshit I deal with (which, though I doubtlessly mention a lot, I am not trying to trivialize anyone else's issues, I promise) I realized why, after all this time, I never broke.

Because I'm a complete fucking badass, that's why! No, bear with me. I'm not a badass like an action movie hero, or a psychotic but still awesome villain or any other cliche meaning of it. I'm a badass because I can look at all this bullshit, all this garbage I get thrown at me in less than 2 months (I made a list of only things at the forefront of my mind that happened in roughly the last 2 months that all bothered the shit out of me. It was 17 items long, and #7 had addendums from A to I think H.) and I can look at this trash, and LAUGH.

Is this the worst life can throw at me, really? Really? A cheating ex, assholes all around, and the dispelling of childhood illusions wholesale and all at once, to name a few? Is this really the worst life could throw at me?

I put up with far, far worse in grade school than this. This is nothing. And no matter what I may have said or thought before, I am so far above this shit it's not even funny. I have no need to dwell on bullshit from assholes because, just like in 4th grade, ASSHOLES ARE ASSHOLES. Who gives a shit what they do or think?

So, in response to all of this sudden knowledge I gained with seemingly catastrophic events, I came to some conclusions. I will list them here.

1: The fastest way to fix (read as: end) the situation with one specific asshole is to tell him (Through a mutual contact, seeing as he decided to block all communique with me, which is hilarious as I'm apparently the bad guy but never cut communication until like yesterday) in no uncertain terms he will have X many days before I sell all of his shit and use the money to buy new locks for the house (seeing as he refuses to return a key to my house he easily could have duplicated as I have hounded him about it at least two and a half weeks now) and that if he doesn't want that to happen, well, he can get his lazy ass over here and give back my fucking key (I'll still change the locks anyway, though. And the garage passcode, as he probably knows that too.)

2: The best way to deal with the relationship bullshit: Stop giving a fuck.

No, seriously. I could stand back and quietly fume about her for years and pray that maybe, if I was lucky, she would come back

OR

I can look at her and go "Well, she cheated on me, so I have no business with her of any relationship type anymore. Moving on." I had intended to have a mourning period of several months self-imposed, but the DAY she told me that I was like "Well, so much for THAT shit." Same day, I got a message out of the blue from a chick on facebook who lives about 10 minutes from where I live (estimated) driving. So, yeah, that's pretty cool. Not to mention she is at the very least intriguing and at the best (which I am trying to take with a grain of salt so I can accurately interpret stuff) is pretty close to ideal.

I even came up with the awesomest way to broach the topic to her I ever thought up. It's either brilliant or completely dumb/lame, but you know what? I don't care that much. This is freedom.

Not to mention I have plans that have been made for contingencies...

So yes, key point to point 2 is "Fuck it, I don't need to mope."

3: Fuck this "mope around the house and stay in my room all the time" BULLSHIT. That's what it is, is bullshit. I have made zero progress since I quit Langston's in, well, anything. But of course to certain family members I live with (both that are not my dad, who is always awesome) that doesn't just equal standing still, breathing, recovering, no, that's RETRACTING and LOSING ground. Ridiculous. What they fail to see and will not listen to me explain is that I am making progress, I am breaking new grounds, constantly. I am making progress in things that matter TO ME, like practicing my writing on a daily basis pretty much now, which I haven't done in maybe ever.

But no, to two thirds of the family here with me, I am not only worthLESS, but I have negative value, because remember, your official, paying job equals your value to anyone. So I was always less than nathan my brother because I was making twenty-five cents above minimum wage while he made over $10 an hour the entire time he had a job here. They insist I have zero value to the world and thus to them unless I have a job.

I call bullshit. To them, if I worked at fucking mcdonald's for the rest of my life, making minimum wage the entire time, well at least I had a job.

That's not the point! Life is about, at least to me, where I am now, SELF-IMPROVEMENT. Working a shit-tastic job that slowly kills me is not vital to self-improvement.

They wonder why I don't listen to them anymore? Their self-righteous bullshit and acting like they are BY DEFAULT better than me because oooh, they make more money than I ever did is fucking ridiculous. This is the shit I hated from Shauntel's family, I will not tolerate it in my own.

In return, I have decided to also hit hard every skill I will need to live outside this environment that grows more hostile by the day. Driving, cleaning, cooking, laundry, every last bit of it.

And learning to shoot, but that's different.

What number am I on, 4? 4: I realized that people are, well, human. And with that sudden realization and the weight and truth behind it, suddenly I am swinging a lot more forgiveness around and less sheer unadulterated seething rage.

No, I will never forgive specific people. But they're not what I'm referring to. As two thirds of my family around here besides me start to exponentially yell at me more and more, I grow ever more placid and calm and even kind to them.

So there's that, which is so cool to me and I'm not sure why.

5: I have noticed that there are some people who will never ditch you. These are the people you should be holding closer than the asshats who treat you like you're their guest in your own house, and it's THEIR right to be there.

Fuck those people. I'm gonna stick with the people worth my time now. Like, among others, this site. Fuck yeah foxkei!

...if I had photoshop skills I'd do that, I'd somehow take the foxkei forum and murder a seaking with it, with the caption "FUCK YEAH FOXKEI". Glorious.

and finally, 6: Life isn't about reaching arbitrary goals. It doesn't matter if I'm rich or completely broke when I die. It doesn't matter how long I live or what I accomplish to help the world.

What matters is if I enjoy the trip. There's little that is more objectively tragic than someone who would go through their entire life anticipating some later event, only to be on their deathbed and finally realize they wasted everything for something they never were able to enjoy.

Fuck that, that isn't gonna be me.

This is it. It's a brand new day, and a brand new awesome chapter. This is where I will be able to look back and point to as when I finally manned up.

If you'll excuse me, I have a lady to potentially woo. Maybe. Even if it doesn't work, I did better than not doing anything.

Fuck yeah, life's awesome when you tweak the rules to where you can't possibly lose by your own definition as long as you're a MAN.

By the way, the way I'm gonna broach the topic I mentioned?

1: link her to this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_fN_ToDSRk

2: Wait for the response that will likely be something like "hahaha" with more text or some variant.

3: Respond thusly: "Yeah, I know, right? Anyway. We should hang out sometime."

4: See what happens because fuck it, I'm a boss and don't need to WORRY about this shit.

AmuroRay

10-28-2011, 05:46 AM

I love the way you think man. Awesome dude. Good luck with that girl.

ChukoLiang

11-06-2011, 09:29 AM

It seems that with great rage comes great temptation to sow said rage everywhere you walk. Sorta like how Overlord Zetta has EXPLOSIONS at his feet as he walks. EXPLOSIONS. Dude is hardcore.

Anyway, I am not. Not hardcore for this, anyway. The difference is Zetta is fictional and a badass, and I am real and not, at least not in the same way.

So there's that.

The problem here is that I need to stop with the senseless rage rants I have shown a disturbing trend towards making more often now. To be fair it could stem from realizing just how deeply I've been lied to for so long about so many things. And no, religion isn't what I'm referring to here. A short list:

I was told that the media were trustworthy, generally. This is false. No media source that is heavily seen appears to be trustworthy, whereas smaller media sources don't seem to have the funding (that's part of being "smaller) to really go in-depth with stuff. So we have people who can't do things right, and people who won't. Sounds like crap.

I was told that I had seen as stupid as people could get, and I was way, way wrong. I barely had scratched the surface of how incredibly preposterous the world can get.

I was told by a source I at least knew not to trust at the time things about politics that are scaremongering and blatant lies shaped to fit their beliefs. No, I will not go into them here. I am not going to force this on you guys, because fuck, for all I know someone here might be a closet time cube fan, and I think those who aren't can accept that as a standard of ultimate insanity in, well, anything.

But the one thing I was blind to for so long I just got hit hardest by is the practices of entertainment media.

I knew that media was biased because people are biased, and as such television shows weren't generally accurate. But I never realized just how bad it was.

I regret a few things now:

1: A lone person like myself apparently cannot, while being solely by themselves, hope to overthrow this entire instution.

2: It took a show that blatantly insulted myself and pretty much all I stand for directly to realize how bad EVERYTHING IS.

I looked at shows like American Hoggers and all the History Channel neo-alien bullshit as being so crazy everyone realized it was inaccurate. But now I'm seeing that such a thing is impossible.

It's impossible because there are people even more crazy than those who would buy into these beliefs (Things like the stereotypes propagated by the atrocity that is American Hoggers or the blatant pseudoscience on the new history channel stuff), and really that is something that is never going to be fixed.

But the thing is, I never noticed. I never understood. I never saw the insanity for what it was, or for how widespread and all-encompassing it is.

Until I saw the show called "The Big Bang Theory" and stopped to analyze it.

Suddenly years upon years of ideas and thoughts were shown to be fallacy.

Because there are people who show that they believe this, this garbage is REALISTIC.

Worse, some of these people are related to me. And not like, distant cousins.

My oldest brother, his wife, my mother, and my sister are just some of the people who seem to buy into this garbage.

Now, foxkei, I have to ask you all, do you all consider yourself "nerds"? Personally, I try to avoid typecasting myself, but as someone who was often referred to as a "nerd" I suppose I kind of grew to think of myself as one. And that is what made this show so evil. Seriously. The show blatantly supports buying into ridiculous and unfounded stereotypes and relies heavily on racism in several episodes and specifically heavily on one character and a bit less so on another WHO ARE PRIMARY TO THE PLOT.

This is akin to, in Star Wars, if Han Solo was a walking stereotype of whatever race, and Leia was one of a different race, and the entirety of their time on-camera was spent "poking fun" at these blatantly offensive ideas.

And no, I am not Jewish or Hindu, which are the two stereotypes being broadcast here. I am not. But I don't have to be part of the group being blatantly attacked to understand why it is wrong.

If someone laughed about any genodice around you, would you think it was funny? Have you ever met someone who honestly thought the practice of lynching blacks was a hilarious past time we should bring back, and if you have, did you respect their beliefs on ANYTHING at all?

I would hope that you haven't. I really do.

So I wrote a long, long rant I termed an "essay" about the subject that contains nothing from this post (meaning I have been able to write two different rants about how infuriating this trite is, sadly) and posted it on facebook because god knows I don't have any idea how else to try to help this situation. I really am at a loss. The only things I can think of that have any chance of helping it from anyone I am, for one reason or another, practically incapable of doing (or at least setting out to do and having any decent chance at success, there IS the possibility my deranged ranting will somehow be heard by someone who can help but really the odds are poor).

In any case. The rant was about, in general, why I hate the show. The point to this post I am finally getting to was to post a particularly apt analogy I made about it to help my brother understand why I feel what I do in a way he would get as he is a fanatical sports fan:

"Imagine there's this show on TV, right? And it's about four fans of sports. But like, they're not JUST sports fans. No, one snapped his spine in high school and is quadriplegic from it playing football and hilarious jokes are made at his expense about it every episode. One guy is the most normal of the bunch, and he refuses to buy any piece of merchandise that doesn't tie in, in some way, to his beloved baseball team: The Yankees. No, he's never been to new york or known anyone who's a yankees fan, he just likes them because otherwise people watching the show might not recognize that there are OTHER BASEBALL TEAMS! The third character is a mentally challenged adult who the show mercilessly pushes as the "average sports fan". If he is on camera beer is in his hand or being consumed by him. If he ever has any kind of issue, he reacts by punching something. He truly is a brute of a man, ISN'T IT HILARIOUS? Oh and he's abusive both physically and mentally to his family and friends. The fourth and last character who is also male (BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY FEMALE SPORTS FANS NOPE NOPE) is a gun fanatic redneck who lives in a trailer park and constantly tries to figure out technology about as complicated as a microwave, or a television remote, and routinely curses "those blasted techno-spirits" or something, while constantly asserting he only watches nascar to see fatal car crashes (only fatal ones) and only watches football for the chance of seeing bones get snapped through the skin. Oh, and it's by some unholy act an extremely popular tv show all your relatives and friends like and they all, as one, believe that it is TRUE and that if you are a sports fan of any sport you absolutely have to be like one of these wastes of space. Not only that, but everyone you know says you, YOU are like one of these walking insults to humanity."

So yeah. If you read nothing else, read that thing.

And for the love of all you may hold sacred, don't spread this trash.

UPDATE:

So that was a long, unimportant rant. My, how important petty garbage can seem at the time. I truly should learn to just wait about a day before writing anything that seems at all angry. Yeah.

In any case. I have continued taking steps to improve everything I can in my life. I've also taken steps unintentionally to allow my muscle to atrophy to a level of weakness I can never remember experiencing. This is pathetic and abhorrent and must be repaired as soon as possible. I didn't notice how weak sitting in the same room for a couple months essentially can make you. Until, that is, I attempted to move a television that was a very small television and is undoubtedly the lightest in my house. It even has handles built in to carry it. It didn't work so welll....there was pain, that is all that needs to be said. Pain and humiliation. And some anger at letting myself be reduced to this.

The exercise plan of "commence walking at least daily for awhile whenever possible then move up to running when capable" will hopefully begin soon. I really need someone to walk with or an mp3 player that I can use. I unfortunately have lost two of mine and have not seen them in months, and have tragically broken my one other mp3 player. A shame. But I will prevail, no matter what.

ChukoLiang

11-09-2011, 03:15 PM

So you guys know what's badass?

That I did this, and it so worked:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aeLOzohTms

(That's set to where only the link works, you can't find it in a search.)

(Also, the part of this that is amusing to me now is that I made a video when she totally lives not far from me AT ALL.)

(And the audio lag is unintentional. Fuck youtube. I am not an anime character.)

ChukoLiang

11-09-2011, 06:06 PM

Scratch that last post, that's not what's badass. My dad is. MGS4 spoilers contained within, by the way.

(Note that I am writing several letters to family. This will likely be one of the few or maybe only published. Ever. Also it was originally written in Notepad, so formatting errrors may be present despite my editing out of them.)

10-28-2011

Dear Master Sergeant William Joseph Knoll

no, how about...

Dear Chief Inspect William Joseph Knoll

No, no, I got it this time

Dear Dad:

Of all of these letters I'm writing, yours will by FAR be the most positive and nicest, and probably the only one I actually send to the person.

Look, Dad, I'm gonna be honest with you, okay? You did it. You won. Everything I've known you to do you did as best you possibly can, and I am willing to bet you probably have some sinking feeling it wasn't good enough or won't be or some shit like that. That's entirely wrong.

You did it. You had ONE kid, me, a son. You did everything you possibly could for me. I have the feeling no other job you've ever had you put as much into as being my dad, and you know what, it shows. It really does.

Anyone else would've given up. Anyone else would succumb to the pain, succumb to the pressure, give up, give in. But not you, and not me.

Oh man, I'm already tearing up. I haven't done that at any of the others I've written at all so far, anywhere, and I'm not even really done with a paragraph and I'm already tearing up. But it's MANLY tears. It's not some wussy boy crying because he's hurt or upset again, no. I'm tearing up because I know how incredibly badass you are. Fuck every last person on the site badass of the week, you are the badass of my life. From day one, to the last day of my existence, I have always and will always know you as the awesomest dad I ever could've asked or hoped for, period. No other dad, in fiction or real life, matches you or even comes close. So what if you weren't part of the 21 sikhs? So what if you didn't rock out at the alamo? So what if you weren't a navy seal?

You are the badass of badasses to me, and no matter what happens that will never, ever ever ever change for the worse.

Everything about you! Lesser men would give up and file disability after the spinal decay, after the bad knees, the constant, agonizing pain. Not you. Lesser men get addicted to pain pills and curse the world for their fate. Not you. You keep going. The Terminator takes notes on YOU, strives to be as unstoppable and awesome as YOU. Teddy Roosevelt, the undeniably most badass president this country's ever had, without a doubt would look up to YOU if you were alive at the same time as he.

Every story you've ever told me I remember. Every word I listened to. Even when I didn't follow the advice when I was younger, I still paid attention, always.

All of the history I studied and learned I realize now what inspired me to do so. It was you. You always liked history and thus so did I. The entire fascination with Badass of the Week came from knowing you. And none of the people on that site were as awesome as you. Not one.

And what makes you awesome is that you are a human, like everyone else. You're not some mutant badass. You're not some crazy awesome cyborg. You're, to anyone else, just some guy.

I remember, years upon years ago, a song came on the radio called "Cat's in the Cradle". I remember not understanding what the lyrics were, let alone knowing what they meant, and you said you were afraid it was a song about us. I didn't understand. Years later, I got the song, at least, the tesla version.

I listened to it once ever. It brought me to tears. I immediately switched songs when it ended, and I will probably never listen to it again. Because I realized all at once what you saw yourself as all this time, this guy who, put simply, worked always, so much he couldn't even see his son, only to have his son ignore him when he grew to be an adult.

That will never be us, dad. I swear to you. I will always be ready and willing to see you and talk to you if at all possible. There is no time I will refuse to do so. I promise you. That song will never be us.

Because, in truth, it never was.

You can think to yourself you're wasting your life working, but you never became like the guy in the song. I'm serious. When I NEEDED to see you? When I REALLY wanted to see you? You were there. When it mattered most, you dropped everything to come and see me because you cared. Because you could. Because you're a badass. I keep calling myself a boss, WHERE DO YOU THINK I GOT IT FROM? Not the term, the being one. It's you.

You are everything I strive to be and more. You can read that sentence and take it too literally and scoff, and be correct to do so. I don't want to join the military or suffer injuries that'd be crippling to any other man but that to you aren't even a problem, because FUCK IT, it's just pain!

But I want to be like you. I want to be the biggest badass I can, in my own way. No, I don't want to be some big muscular dude that can beat the living shit out of anyone. Personally, I want to be a writer so awesome that it doesn't matter if one single soul other than me reads my works and likes it, because shit, I know it's awesome so who cares if they do? THAT is my life goal.

Were it not for you, I would probably be anything but as awesome as I know I am. That work ethic I had at langston's I was proud of? YOU generated that in me. Nobody else I know is as dedicated to anything as you. You fought past unending pain without so much as a fucking tylenol and kept going BECAUSE YOU CARED. Because you wanted me to succeed, you wanted us all to be happy. That is a sacrifice much more heroic than just taking a bullet for or dying for someone. That is living through physical hell, day in, day out, for TWENTY YEARS because who gives a crap you have a SON and a WIFE and a FAMILY to care for and may God damn anyone who tries to stop you from doing just that.

Do you get how AWESOME that is? No, it's okay, you don't have to be modest this time. You don't have to downplay your awesomeness. This time, I am allowing you to realize and revel in just how AMAZING as a dad you are. Do you get that? Do you understand? Shit, if I grow up to be one TENTH as awesome as you are I'll be happy.

You may think that being away from me as often as you are is a problem for me, but to be honest it's not at all. Not because I don't WANT to see you, but because for years upon years now I have known why you did it. Some guys work because they love the job. I get it now. You really don't like it AT ALL. You might even hate it, but come hell or high water you will NOT let your family down! That is so AWESOME. You are so AWESOME. I'm sorry you may have gotten any impression other than that from me, but I never meant to give you one.

When all else has failed and only one option can help me? It's you. And you always can do it.

When everything seems hopeless and there doesn't seem to be any chance I can make it, I remember you, and instantly, instantly I know I can make it.

Any other dad? I wouldn't have made it this far at all. This is literally I think the absolutely most perfect way I could've been raised, I cannot possibly find any way it could've been better for me. Even if I had another dad who was independently wealthy and never had to work a day in his life and I'd never have had to, I would not have been as happy with life as I have been THANKS TO YOU, thanks almost ENTIRELY to you.

When other boys my age were rebelling against their parents, I wasn't. Because of you. It wasn't fear. It was love.

I at first took your awesomeness for granted because shit, all dads must be like you. But every other person I've known, their dads have never, ever ever ever been as awesome as you, nowhere close.

I am sorry I've never told you this before, I thought you must've known.

Another thing I wanted to tell you but never did. I liked Metal Gear Solid 4 because Snake was like YOU. But he didn't kill himself at the end. You saw the scene, and then the next one and thought the game had started over because Snake was alive.

He never shot himself. The camera pans away, gunshot heard, credits start, you walked away. When you came back the next scene had started, which interrupts the credits: Snake didn't kill himself.

The entire reason he was going to was if he didn't, then a biological weapon would be unleashed from him that would infect and kill the entire world (long story), or so he was told. But right after that scene he finds out that it was already fixed, the disease would never escape him.

True, he was a clone of Big Boss in the story and as a result his aging was accelerated and unfortunately he was going to be unable to survive for more than a year at that point, BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL HIMSELF AND HE DIDN'T.

What does he say at the very end? One of his character's signature trademarks was he always smoked.

The last conversation in the game, in the series, he quits. Because "those things will kill you, you know". He decides that, as the world is now free of all of the war that has plagued it its entire history and HE is the one who saved everyone from such a terrible fate, and EVERY OTHER MAIN CHARACTER IN THE SERIES WHO EVER FUGHT IN WAR IS DEAD BUT HIM, he's earned the right to watch the world for a little bit longer, and as such gets to see the world's new age in with a smile.

It is the ultimate bliss for his character, one who has been created to be nothing but a killing machine and thus hates himself as a result, to be able to see that war isn't needed anymore and he is allowed to watch the world now.

So what is his plan?

"Live."

It's one of the best moments in video gaming, by far. They purposely make you think he's going to kill himself BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DOES TOO. And he would have because otherwise THE ENTIRE WORLD WOULD DIE, but he didn't have to so he didn't.

It's amazing. It's wonderful.

I should have told you. I kept saying he reminded me of you and all you knew about him was he kills himself, but that's not true! He is the biggest badass in gaming. That's why he reminds me of you.

I love you dad. I'm sorry if you ever, ever ever ever thought otherwise. I always have and always will. I salute you, sir.

Your son, the one who always wanted to be just like you and still does and always will,

James Knoll

ChukoLiang

11-11-2011, 06:06 PM

Alright, guys. Got an idea.

In direct rebellion (kind of) to recent events, I'm planning to have some kind of crazy awesome party/series of parties for my 20th birthday.

Does anyone have any ideas as to what I should do? I'm a bit lost for ideas. Note I am working on finding locations because I am not having a party at my own house until situations change.

ChukoLiang

11-26-2011, 02:30 PM

And, so, here I am again, posting again.

The most grandoise and thought out plans can fail if every single part of the plan is screwed up. Sometimes it's better to just make a simple plan, because then if it does end up getting screwed up you didn't waste too much time.

I'm not sure how that ties in. Actually, I'm not sure what I was going to end up typing here. Kind of just, I hesitate to call it stream of consciousness both because I haven't actually read what that's written like and also because the one guy I know of who used that was Hunter S. Thompson, and I dunno, I don't pretend I'm already a totally awesome author, I just am working on being one. That guy's awesome. I think. Again, haven't actually read anything he wrote, but that one movie what I saw of it was good.

But I digress from my digression.

It is now 9:08 A.M., and I have risen from my sleep only in the past 15 minutes or so. It should be noted I couldn't have said the time if I hadn't checked my laptop's clock, because I am pretty much lacking an internal clock now. I've never really been a person to run on a tight schedule. I usually end up just doing whatever comes up when I feel I should. Deadlines are a drag. What really sucks is when a friend invites you to their house to be there AT four P.M., so you get a ride over there with your licenseless, driver's-seat-fearing ass. Speaking of, I had a horrible horrible nightmare last night. I'm not sure I can remember any that were worse. I ended up dreaming I had to practice driving, and ended up running over a kid and smashing him to bits. Among...other things that ended up happening. One of those you don't actually realize it's a nightmare, so not only is it much worse, but you can't wake up from it anywhere near as easily.

Anyway. Friend said be there AT 4. I pulled up at 4:03, worried about being late, and knocked on the door. And knocked again. And called him, only to get the call ended quickly from the other side. I guess he was still at work, or so he told me. Cool. Would've been nice had I been able to give dad, AKA the one person left willing to drive me places consistently, more warning then "I just knocked on the door and I guess nobody's home yet". But no, that guy's a good friend. One of the few I have around here. I'd say "have left", but all the assholes I dropped were never anything but leeches and dropping them was one of the better decisions I've made. I'd say best, but it took too damn long.

I realize that it's hard to show people that you really do feel remorse. Much more so when you only communicate with them through typed words. It's a shame.

Watched Ip Man last night. Movie kicked ass. I'd held off on watching it before because I was planning on watching it first with my brother Nathan, but that wasn't happening, for damn sure. Fuck that. So I watched it last night with about the best friend I've ever had, someone who despite me being a total asshole sometimes didn't drop me, even though he'd have been completely justified to do so. And really, there's not any more effective example of friendship than that.

I've got the zelda reorchestrated stuff going. Good stuff, that. It's a shame pokemon reorchestrated doesn't have near the library ZREO has. I mean, for whatever reason I absolutely love pokemon music and good remixes, well, any remixes at all, are hard to find. Last I remember checking OCRemix had very, very few remixes at all, and none were very good. Dwelling of Duels has The Pokemetally, somewhere, and that's a great song, but it's just one. In a perfect world, I'd have an entire playlist of em that had enough songs to not get sick of them with the playlist on random.

Speaking of music, I just made a new playlist in spotify. Spotify's absolutely awesome, and all it requires to use is either an invitation thing or an account on facebook which say what you will just about everyone with consistent internet's going to have, whether they like it or not. Brilliant, that.

I'm to a point I can't understand why anybody wouldn't want to use spotify. I guess if you don't have good connection, or you're not online consistently?

Maybe nobody gets what it is. Basically, it's Songbird's layout, but better and not buggy that I've seen so far. It's itunes, but you can listen to any song in your library or their library any time you want, perfectly free, as long as you have an internet connection.

It's excellent. I can now get a band recommendation and just type it into the search bar at the top. Bam. Now all the music related to the band I just entered in is available to me. At least, that's how it's worked so far.

If you wouldn't expect itunes to have a song, spotify likely won't, but that's where the second awesome part kicks in: It keeps all the music you have on your computer in its library, assuming you select the proper folders, like with every music program ever.

So I can search for homestuck and I'll get all my homestuck music.

The third major reason spotify's awesome is that you can send songs to friends to check out. If the song is on spotify's server, they can just listen to it right there. If not, I believe it shows the song info so they can easily find it themselves if it's labelled correctly. Awesome.

The downside is if you don't pay monthly fees you can't use a couple features, and you also have banner ads in the program as well as an audio ad of anywhere from fifteen to thirty seconds every once in awhile. How often seems to fluctuate, so sometimes it's over an hour and sometimes it's every couple songs. The ads are worth dealing with for access to this massive music library for free

I'm not sure when this became an advertisement for spotify. Anyway.

I think perhaps even though I've slept since around 1 or midnight I am still quite tired. Probably the whole "eyes aren't staying open too well" thing. I'ma try to pass out again.

EDIT: So a couple minutes passed if even that long and I woke up again. This is strange. So, anyway.

I started a new writing project yesterday, and I have hope for this one as it is the first work since the very first big project that I have actually gotten any of it done. Normally I make a folder, make an ideas file, and never go anywhere. But this one's great. I don't feel pressured to create something totally amazing because all I have to do is be better than a prime example of literary bile, and how hard is that?

Seven pages or so done before formatting. Might be off by one either way.

The thing is, the way I write, like, when I REALLY seriously write and it's not just a letter or some rant, when I write a STORY, I tend to just blitz through and come back to add stuff later. I am sure that practice is apparent from these seven pages already. I don't really have any idea where I'm going with this story, except it'll be better than bile and vampires will be involved. Oh, and a couple spoilers. Pfsh. Nobody reads my stuff, and that's because I don't show it to anyone. I've explained my entire first book, what I have of it (about the first 80%, and then the last ten pages of the book. So I have a gap right in the very end.) to two different people, in its entirety. It took about four hours each time. The book is a great thing that I just can't complete right now, where I am.

That's really why I start all these other projects. They're distractions. The real project, the real mission, the true goal, is to complete the first story. Because it's amazing. I made it really from nothing and came up with the entire original draft's plot in one night.

You who were on 1up may remember it. It was that garbage I threw out. What killed me really on that one is that I edited, and re-edited, and kept doing so. The story's still recognizable, barely, as the original work, but I'm too caught up with the rewriting to actually write anything. Terrible shame, that.

The amount of poetry I've been writing has dropped off sharply since graduation. The last I wrote a bunch of poetry, it was for an assignment in AP English IV. We had like, 13 prompts and had to make poems for each. We had three weeks. The third day in, I turned it in. I had decided to handicap myself to only working on it in the one aide hour I had that semester, which is basically a free hour. So yes. Good times.

But since then I've written very little. Terrible shame.

These seven pages, no matter how poor they may look, are by default the best seven pages I've made in what, 6 months? They're the only seven pages.

I'm starting to see that reality, I think. It's better to write garbage than write nothing. At least you wrote something. And it's still better than twilight. How could it be worse?

I made one last post on that old site. I know I use "one last" a lot. Hyberbolic infections are the worst mind viruses, I can hardly stop using hyperbole and it's dangerous when I have actual facts to say with numbers or stuff because nobody seems to believe I'm actually citing numbers and not hyperbole. But hyperbole is fun. But I really don't see a reason I'd go back to 1up. It's empty. It's a ghost town. I'm sure there's members, but none of the ones I know or remember. I wish I could have back what it once was. That'd, that would be a great time.

You know it's dead when the latest two updated clubs you're in were the two final updates of both tournaments detailing the move, and that of your entire old friendslist you have one guy left who filled the entire blog update page. Over the course of six month or so.

Terrible shame.

I ended up writing a post out about the sorrow that creates. And it is sorrow. I don't see how it could have ended any other way, but that's how it ended.

http://www.1up.com/do/blogEntry?bId=9090809

The content is this, if you don't want to ever go back there (and really why would you WANT to, it's just depressing) :

It's been forever, it feels. A lifetime. So many years ago I first joined, in days when people were happy and life was good, no matter how complicated things seemed.

Now I am surrounded by tyranny in my personal life, and disappointment online. I'd save this whole thing if there was anything left to save. All those years, all those good times, all the
bad, all the times I was happy or sad, it all was worth it in the end, because, 1up, you were my friend.

And now I sit here, in the dark, late at night leaving no mark, I wish I could just for once see, why this place is on its knees.

For here I am, through dark, through dawn, trying to write a decent song, and though nobody stops by anymore, though the world seems seized by war, though the darkness rises above, and though
we may feel out of love...

Though the world may be unfair, that's how it always was everywhere.

Nobody left could even explain, why I alone stood in the rain, why I alone seemed to yet long, for days when 1up did no wrong, but it's not just here, it's not isolated, for many years now
I've contemplated the truth behind what I have seen, and all I ask is just one thing

I want everyone left out there, who might yet smile and see me here, anyone I may yet invent, for the darkness comes in long torrent, the memories I have of days long passed, of people who
loved and never asked, of friends I had I could not leave, I have to ask, just one last thing

Dear 1up, home of memories, good and bad, of fame that teased, of lies and blatant hypocrisy, of people yearning to be free

Dear 1up, where I became, the one who stands here in this frame, a man, no longer just a boy, vowed never again to be a toy

Dear 1up, please forgive me, for leaving, fleeing abandoning thee, I'm sorry I left when things got bad, perhaps if in righteousness I were clad...

Perhaps if I had any kind of ability to restrain my mind and try to find a way to save the one thing that defined that age

I am sorry, friends, but here, I have to put back all my fear, My fear of loss, my fear of Age, my fear of death, now, like any sage,

I must move on and remember all, the times that made us, brought about fall

Because you see, it wouldn't be something that would have thus hurt me

If I had never just once cared, then I wouldn't be writing this here

In the end of days, none left will read these words I scribe in my news feed

But I just have to say this thing, that left me wounded, hurt, and fleeing

No matter what happens, however dim, I know in the end I can win

Because despite the evils around I know, I see what I have found in memory, a cherished scene, where none can deny what it means

Because 1up was not the company, not the writers or the clubs, not the anime or the dubs, not the games, not the scene

1up, in the end, was you, and me. Goodbye, dear friends, perhaps again we will all meet there, in the end.

that's the end of that post.

I changed my name on there to "I miss you, Ziff Davis." But 1up cut it off because of length. I think that statement alone really says all that need be said anymore.

It's a necrohol. A city of dead. A land of just death. But instead of people dying, they're all dead memories. I remember the stories we all crafted in those tournaments. I remember orion freedom, and that insanely detailed goddamn story he wrote. Shit, I wish I could write as well as he did back then TODAY. I still can't. I remember people who disappeared without a single word to anyone. I remember sending messages, wishing I could just find where they'd gone because they were cool, I missed them.

I invited every single cool person I could get ahold of here to foxkei. Every last one. Of the ten or so people I managed to invite, only one took hold here. The Reverend. And you know? It was worth it. Even if he'd been the tenth and last, it would have been worth it because goddamn it's been great here. I still come here through everything because I desperately want it to be at all like 1up used to be, all that time ago.

And what does writing this out accomplish? I'm not sure people read these threads. I know I don't, and I'm a selfish asshole to expect people to read mine when I only rarely ever read theirs.

I'm forming an idea...maybe not the best one, we'll see I suppose. I need to send it to someone who can make it happen. Alright. I'll do that.

I mean, here's the thing. Writing out that I miss 1up way back, that I miss pikei and how foxkei was before I was happy to see three updated threads a day, what's the absolute best that could accomplish? The absolute best it can do is that everyone on here reads that, and then we all post more. But I know how people work. I get that life has happened for a lot of us. College passes by, jobs are obtained, all that. Members are gone that once were big guys here. I haven't seen WM on here in far too long. How long is RW gonna be off? I must've been mistaken, I thought for sure he wasn't gonna be gone this long.

The streams, why don't I show at the streams that often? It'll sound dumb, and for that I apologize. But I miss when the stream wasn't a stream. We all got on MSN and opened a chatroom. And that was that. I don't go to streams for video games. When there's pauses, I don't watch the game. I don't care what game it is. It could be any game imaginable and I wouldn't sit there and watch it with no conversation. If we're being honest, I often have the video straight up paused. Because I don't care about the game. That's not why I show up. I go to the streams because I miss when we all were actually on instant messaging programs. Maybe that's me living in the past. It could very well be. I'm the first to admit that where I am right now I absolutely despise existence and I only continue because I know for fact that I WILL make it through this. You know, maybe I didn't explain where I am now. I might now have. Had I not, I apologize.

Here's what I'm putting up with.

1: The girlfriend bullshit. It's not that big a deal anymore, it just sucks. Really badly.
2: The bullshit surrounding a former 'friend' of mine, king of all parasites.
3: Realizing that indiana is actually WORSE than I remembered it being.
4: Staying in my room 22 hours a day, every day except monday and the very rare times now that I go hang out with a friend. Almost all communication I make now is through some kind of text, be it text messaging on a cell phone or posting on some website or whatever.
5: I don't eat much. I am lucky if I get two meals a day now. Actually, one meal isn't common either. I can now see my ribs any time I want again, and while some would think that a good thing I know full well that what it means when I see my ribs and have actually done LESS exercise than ever before. It means I'm not eating enough at all. I've been there before.

My family encourages me to exercise. Why would I? I'm losing weight, a LOT of weight, doing absolutely none. I know damn straight that if I start exercising, I'll starve myself to death. Already burning more calories than I'm taking in. I eat junk, too. Fun times. I won't exercise until I know I'll get sufficient food to not die from it. I know it sounds stupid, but seriously, this is some bullshit. Nathan, who eats three times a day guaranteed or throws a tantrum, yells at me when my one meal a day is pizza and I grab more than around 1/4 of an entire pizza. I'm a pig. A glutton. Clearly the guy who just wants to not starve is the glutton, not the guy who is GAINING weight. He tries to say bullshit about how he doesn't need to eat much so neither should I. I would wager there's more food in his three smaller meals a day than my one larger meal I don't even get every day. But yes. I can clearly see my own ribs again. Fuck this sucks. And despite my most sincere warnings to my family, instead of going "oh, wow, you're clearly starving" they instead ask if I want a belt so my pants don't fall off. Oh, yes, that's a fun effect too: I have one pair of pants I know of, across my shorts and pants both, that fit me at all still. I would quite seriously require a belt to wear all but one pair and not lose them. That one pair of pants used to be so small I couldn't even get them on. Now they're loose.

This is bullshit. They tell me to get a job but it's not like I can drive myself or they'll drive me. Dad works, dad works a LOT. What's nate's excuse? Oh, I guess he works 7 or 8 hours a day to dad's 12-14, and they do both get two days a week off, but you know, dad works more often than not at least one of those two days as well. And mom works part time, so that means I can't get a ride anywhere. What am I going to do, materialize a car and a license and somehow know how to drive alone and how to navigate alone? I get that most people have been driving for four years at 20 in this country. My three most horrible, crippling fears are, least to greatest: Spiders, Drowning, and Driving. And driving school made that WORSE. I didn't get as much learning of rules and shit, AKA what I needed to know, as I got "And if you hit anything going 60 MPH you're DEAD and this is what you'll fucking suffer through! And if you screw up in any possible way no matter how small you're FUCKING DEAD or MANGLED or something and we'll all laugh at you and your family will try to forget you ever existed, asshole!" So instead of, uh, learning to drive, I learned that driving is a practice that is guaranteed to be fatal eventually. Every time I get in that fucking four wheeled deathtrap, I am playing russian roulette with five bullets in the chamber. This is what my existence is.

So I can't drive to a job, can't be driven to a job (absolutely nobody will drive me). Mom suggested I take a taxi. It's only $9 for every mile plus tip, and my old job (about as close a job as I'm likely to get) was only five miles away. So without tip it'd only be $45 one way, also known as $45 of the $55 I made a DAY at langston's pay, so to get $20 profit (AKA less than dad makes a goddamn hour) a DAY I'd have to be paid double what langston's paid me, which was a quarter above minimum wage. And that's the least distance I'm likely to have to go, and that's not counting tip both ways. So that, that was a plan that she told me that made it clear how utterly futile the very thought of ever working again is.

There's three jobs within walking distance of my home. There's 7-11, which I'd apply for if I knew I'd work at that specific one. Oh, I know the job's hell and the pay no matter that it starts at $11 an hour isn't worth it. Really don't care. My concern is that odds are they will not have me work anywhere near home and if they don't I am obligated to show up wherever, which I can't do.

There's also a scholastic book warehouse, which is a job that consists entirely of lifting big boxes of books and shit. I am physically incapable of doing so what with my skeletal, almost anemic strength.

There's also sonic. I'd be working in the kitchen. Any kind of excessive heat is the quickest easy way to make me flip out and be absolutely furious over nothing. That would be why I always have fans going in my room, to keep it COLD. Cold makes me tired. Heat makes me angrier the more hot it gets. Kitchens are by definition hot as heat is used to cook. Not to mention that I really doubt I could operate under rush conditions in there, and I do not take well to being talked down to or yelled at. Normally that last one would be tolerable, but you combine extreme heat with the stress of being rushed and throw in getting yelled at, and it's a bad, bad combination.

So I can't really get a job nearby. I can't get a job far away. I want to take some free (best price ever) sheet metal working classes because hell, you can find a job for a good sheet metal worker ANYWHERE, the classes are completely free of charge or obligation, and pay for a sheet metal worker where I'd be applying (as dad works there) starts for an inexperienced student of it at $15 an hour. True, the job is hard work and you gotta get shit done, but you know, the differences between sheet metal work and fast food are quite major (you're actually doing something you feel accomplished doing, the pay's about double hourly, you don't get bitched out, etc.) I could get a night schedule pretty easily if I'm hired there (nobody wants to work nights) which works great for me, and again, the class to get trained is FREE. You cannot beat that price for getting taught a valuable skill.

There's one problem, and only one, as dad has volunteered to drive me to those classes if I sign up: I have absolutely no innate skill and just barely above absolutely no training with any kind of tools. I can use a screwdriver. Sheet metal working is taking sheets of metal and making shit from it. So not a basic tool thing. But the training is free. Worst case scenario, I find out it's not for me and I don't do it. Bam. I'm out the cost of gas to drive there (it's not even two miles to the training center) and a scant few hours. What could I better spend that on, really?

Bleh. I've written this long enough, I think. I didn't even get the list of bad shit halfway done, maybe not even 1/4 done. But I'm sure there's a character limit. I might be past it already.

SnakeEyez

11-26-2011, 08:56 PM

It's a necrohol. A city of dead. A land of just death. But instead of people dying, they're all dead memories. I remember the stories we all crafted in those tournaments. I remember orion freedom, and that insanely detailed goddamn story he wrote. Shit, I wish I could write as well as he did back then TODAY. I still can't. I remember people who disappeared without a single word to anyone. I remember sending messages, wishing I could just find where they'd gone because they were cool, I missed them.
Yeah...those were the days. I miss those days too. We had a really good story going in the tournament clubs. I mostly blame myself for allowing it to die out. I had a big grand storyline planned out that probably would have extended into season eight, at least. Ryuhou and HOLD were going to invade New Alexandria and take control of the League. Lucy and Agito were going to be brought from the dead and transformed into Alters -- Lucy would become Scheris' Alter and Agito would become Ryuhou's. The Homunculi from Fullmetal Alchemist would intervene and try to take control of Lucy for themselves. They'd feed her the Red Crystals to make her stronger and give her more vectors. Lucy would break free of Scheris and take her revenge on Mariko, then turn on the Homunculi and kill all of them except Sloth (the only one she can't hurt). Ryuhou would try to stop her, but she'd destroy Agito and kill Ryuhou, effectively dissolving HOLD. Then all the past champions and the AVDL would have to band together to take down the super-powered Lucy before she could burn New Alexandria to the ground. It would have been great, man.

Sigh. Like I said, though, it's my fault for not seeing it through to the end. I got my job at Web.com before I could complete the story. The thing is, that job requires me to write creative copy for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year. It's great that I'm using my best talent (writing) to perform a function that is useful to society, but it has also destroyed one of my favorite hobbies. I used to view writing as a fun hobby, but when you have a job that forces you to write all day, it stops being fun. It becomes work. After writing at work all day, the last thing I wanted to do was come home and write some more. I could have done it anyway just for the sake of the story, but my writing wouldn't have the same spark and I don't think I would have been happy with it anyway.

And what does writing this out accomplish? I'm not sure people read these threads. I know I don't, and I'm a selfish asshole to expect people to read mine when I only rarely ever read theirs.
I read it. well, most of it, anyway. It's a long post, so I had to skim through some of it.

This is bullshit. They tell me to get a job but it's not like I can drive myself or they'll drive me. Dad works, dad works a LOT. What's nate's excuse? Oh, I guess he works 7 or 8 hours a day to dad's 12-14, and they do both get two days a week off, but you know, dad works more often than not at least one of those two days as well. And mom works part time, so that means I can't get a ride anywhere. What am I going to do, materialize a car and a license and somehow know how to drive alone and how to navigate alone? I get that most people have been driving for four years at 20 in this country. My three most horrible, crippling fears are, least to greatest: Spiders, Drowning, and Driving. And driving school made that WORSE. I didn't get as much learning of rules and shit, AKA what I needed to know, as I got "And if you hit anything going 60 MPH you're DEAD and this is what you'll fucking suffer through! And if you screw up in any possible way no matter how small you're FUCKING DEAD or MANGLED or something and we'll all laugh at you and your family will try to forget you ever existed, asshole!" So instead of, uh, learning to drive, I learned that driving is a practice that is guaranteed to be fatal eventually. Every time I get in that fucking four wheeled deathtrap, I am playing russian roulette with five bullets in the chamber. This is what my existence is.

So I can't drive to a job, can't be driven to a job (absolutely nobody will drive me). Mom suggested I take a taxi. It's only $9 for every mile plus tip, and my old job (about as close a job as I'm likely to get) was only five miles away. So without tip it'd only be $45 one way, also known as $45 of the $55 I made a DAY at langston's pay, so to get $20 profit (AKA less than dad makes a goddamn hour) a DAY I'd have to be paid double what langston's paid me, which was a quarter above minimum wage. And that's the least distance I'm likely to have to go, and that's not counting tip both ways. So that, that was a plan that she told me that made it clear how utterly futile the very thought of ever working again is.

If you have a full-on phobia of driving, then yeah, I can see how that could be a problem. If not, though, it's definitely something you should pursue. No, driving isn't absolutely essential, but it will surely make your life a heck of a lot easier. Trust me, I was scared to drive too when I was 16. Like a lot of things in life, you just have to practice until you're good at it. Is there a chance you could get into an accident and die? Of course there is. There's also a chance you could slip in the bathtub and crack your head on the floor and die. There's a chance the roof of your house could collapse and crush you underneath hundreds of pounds of rubble. There's a chance a meteorite could crash through your window and punch a baseball-sized hole through your chest.

My point is that there are dangers all over the place, but it's not going to do you any good if you just worry about them all the time. Driving takes a lot of practice, but eventually you'll get the hang of it. You'll encounter plenty of morons on the road who don't like the way you drive, but as long as you keep your cool and just let them pass you by, they can go have an accident somewhere else.

There's three jobs within walking distance of my home. There's 7-11, which I'd apply for if I knew I'd work at that specific one. Oh, I know the job's hell and the pay no matter that it starts at $11 an hour isn't worth it. Really don't care. My concern is that odds are they will not have me work anywhere near home and if they don't I am obligated to show up wherever, which I can't do.

There's also a scholastic book warehouse, which is a job that consists entirely of lifting big boxes of books and shit. I am physically incapable of doing so what with my skeletal, almost anemic strength.

There's also sonic. I'd be working in the kitchen. Any kind of excessive heat is the quickest easy way to make me flip out and be absolutely furious over nothing. That would be why I always have fans going in my room, to keep it COLD. Cold makes me tired. Heat makes me angrier the more hot it gets. Kitchens are by definition hot as heat is used to cook. Not to mention that I really doubt I could operate under rush conditions in there, and I do not take well to being talked down to or yelled at. Normally that last one would be tolerable, but you combine extreme heat with the stress of being rushed and throw in getting yelled at, and it's a bad, bad combination.

So I can't really get a job nearby. I can't get a job far away. I want to take some free (best price ever) sheet metal working classes because hell, you can find a job for a good sheet metal worker ANYWHERE, the classes are completely free of charge or obligation, and pay for a sheet metal worker where I'd be applying (as dad works there) starts for an inexperienced student of it at $15 an hour. True, the job is hard work and you gotta get shit done, but you know, the differences between sheet metal work and fast food are quite major (you're actually doing something you feel accomplished doing, the pay's about double hourly, you don't get bitched out, etc.) I could get a night schedule pretty easily if I'm hired there (nobody wants to work nights) which works great for me, and again, the class to get trained is FREE. You cannot beat that price for getting taught a valuable skill.

There's one problem, and only one, as dad has volunteered to drive me to those classes if I sign up: I have absolutely no innate skill and just barely above absolutely no training with any kind of tools. I can use a screwdriver. Sheet metal working is taking sheets of metal and making shit from it. So not a basic tool thing. But the training is free. Worst case scenario, I find out it's not for me and I don't do it. Bam. I'm out the cost of gas to drive there (it's not even two miles to the training center) and a scant few hours. What could I better spend that on, really?
Do you have a bicycle? Or a motorized scooter? Some sort of small vehicle could increase your prospects of finding a job since it increases your search area.

ChukoLiang

11-28-2011, 10:56 AM

Yeah...those were the days. I miss those days too. We had a really good story going in the tournament clubs. I mostly blame myself for allowing it to die out. I had a big grand storyline planned out that probably would have extended into season eight, at least. Ryuhou and HOLD were going to invade New Alexandria and take control of the League. Lucy and Agito were going to be brought from the dead and transformed into Alters -- Lucy would become Scheris' Alter and Agito would become Ryuhou's. The Homunculi from Fullmetal Alchemist would intervene and try to take control of Lucy for themselves. They'd feed her the Red Crystals to make her stronger and give her more vectors. Lucy would break free of Scheris and take her revenge on Mariko, then turn on the Homunculi and kill all of them except Sloth (the only one she can't hurt). Ryuhou would try to stop her, but she'd destroy Agito and kill Ryuhou, effectively dissolving HOLD. Then all the past champions and the AVDL would have to band together to take down the super-powered Lucy before she could burn New Alexandria to the ground. It would have been great, man.

Sigh. Like I said, though, it's my fault for not seeing it through to the end. I got my job at Web.com before I could complete the story. The thing is, that job requires me to write creative copy for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year. It's great that I'm using my best talent (writing) to perform a function that is useful to society, but it has also destroyed one of my favorite hobbies. I used to view writing as a fun hobby, but when you have a job that forces you to write all day, it stops being fun. It becomes work. After writing at work all day, the last thing I wanted to do was come home and write some more. I could have done it anyway just for the sake of the story, but my writing wouldn't have the same spark and I don't think I would have been happy with it anyway.

I read it. well, most of it, anyway. It's a long post, so I had to skim through some of it.

If you have a full-on phobia of driving, then yeah, I can see how that could be a problem. If not, though, it's definitely something you should pursue. No, driving isn't absolutely essential, but it will surely make your life a heck of a lot easier. Trust me, I was scared to drive too when I was 16. Like a lot of things in life, you just have to practice until you're good at it. Is there a chance you could get into an accident and die? Of course there is. There's also a chance you could slip in the bathtub and crack your head on the floor and die. There's a chance the roof of your house could collapse and crush you underneath hundreds of pounds of rubble. There's a chance a meteorite could crash through your window and punch a baseball-sized hole through your chest.

My point is that there are dangers all over the place, but it's not going to do you any good if you just worry about them all the time. Driving takes a lot of practice, but eventually you'll get the hang of it. You'll encounter plenty of morons on the road who don't like the way you drive, but as long as you keep your cool and just let them pass you by, they can go have an accident somewhere else.

Do you have a bicycle? Or a motorized scooter? Some sort of small vehicle could increase your prospects of finding a job since it increases your search area.

Don't blame yourself for the job thing. People gotta eat. The tournaments, no matter how fun, are not as important as sustenance unless somehow they are providing the money to obtain it, and they weren't, so it's alright.

I don't know what classifies something a phobia. I do know just thinking about being behind the wheel is an unnerving activity, that every time I've driven before was a nightmarish hellish experience despite nothing particularly bad happening, that I in all seriousness fully (And irrationally, I am aware) expect to die every time I drive and that any time anything at all unexpected happens I just about have a breakdown on the spot while driving.

I know there's dangers everywhere. I am perfectly fine walking around at night, alone or otherwise, but driving down an empty street with no other cars in sight in any direction (and oklahoma's FLAT, you can see quite a ways) is an inherently unsettling experience, and that anything more intense than that produces nearly crippling levels of fear and in some cases terror.

This was not helped by the driving instructor who took me from "I've never driven a car in my life, ever" to "I'm now on the freeway, scared out of my mind and praying I never do this again" in only a half hour! I don't think he understood that me saying "this is terrifying" meant "this is terrifying", and not, like, "This is mildly frightening but not too bad." I only drive or pursue that path at all solely because I know I really am going to have to, and to not let my dad down. That's it. If those two factors weren't factors, I would not drive. Ever. Video games are the only place I can drive without inherent fear, because, well, it's a video game. And clearly so. In a video game, you fly down the road and hit a car crossing in front of you, Niko goes comically ragdoll and then brushes himself off, barely the worse for wear at all. In real life it's more of a life ending thing.

As for a bicycle, well. I never learned to ride a bike. When I was at an age where I had interest in doing so, I lived in alaska. In alaska there's three months, four at most a year you can ride a bike without snow being an issue. My bike got rusted to shit from being left out all winter, and never got fixed. So I never learned how to not fuck myself up on a bike. So...riding one now that I weigh much more and thus would hurt much more hitting pavement or whatever.

That's the cruelty of bicycles. It's harder to ride on on grass, but the impact hurts less than pavement generally. Conversely, it's easier to ride on pavement but you hit ground and it hurts like a bitch.

I'd get some kind of motorized scooter but I can't guarantee I'd use it enough to be worth the money and wasting money on any level is a horrible terrible thing, it seems.

In more recent news, I have finally had enough of this starving to death slowly bullshit. I went to tell dad how much bullshit it was (answer: completely) and he for his part seemed to think I was exaggerating how long I've been starving to death, how much weight I've lost, and how bad it is. I get criticized for using hyperbole but when I don't I get written off as being not a priority. Gotta love that little catch-22 there. So he suggested I write a meal schedule plan thing, and I did so.

warning: big fucking list incoming in a spoiler.

Note that foods I will need help making are noted as such.
Note that foods that I cannot ask for because I get snubbed and foods that I don't make because it's been so long since I had them I forgot they even existed are not always labelled as such.

Note that all scheduled meals can be switched to any other day in this time frame without issue, as that's not the important part.

Note that if leftovers from any meal exist later, then they can be substituted for another meal afterward if so desired, but the meal in question should be eaten sooner rather than later if the ingredients are particularly perishable.

Note that any brave souls willing to try what I make myself are welcome to do so as long as I can get enough food for myself from each item.

(all dates 2011)
Monday, November 28th:
Three meals: Blueberry eggo frozen waffles with butter and/or froot loops, hamburgers (will require assistance to not fuck up horribly), fried chicken and mashed potatoes (both will require assistance to not fuck up horribly)

Tuesday, November 29th:
Three Meals: Toast with butter on white bread (didn't register that toast even existed, in all seriousness) and a gala apple (if cut, will need assistance to not ruin; cutting the apple not required), turkey bacon sandwiches with lettuce (will need assistance making the bacon to not ruin it) and also french fries, and for dinner spaghetti with meatballs and tomato sauce, if it's for myself preferably with mushrooms in it as well or perhaps garlic and basil (will need assistance making every step and part of that) and also garlic bread (I can make that myself).

Wednesday, November 30th:
Three Meals: Boboli's pizza, made with mozarella cheese, a boboli's crust, pizza sauce, black olives and mushrooms (assistance requested, but not required. Need to know how to properly slice mushrooms, otherwise am fine). Lunch will be ramen noodles, plus chicken and carrots and potatoes and the other spices and such that mom adds when making it that way. Dinner will be Tacos or tostadas (will require assistance to make the meat and probably some kind of supervision so I don't screw it all up horrifically)

Thursday, December 1st:
Three Meals: Prepare for roast or preferably some kind of stew involving roast around breakfast time or however long before I would want to eat it typically so that the meat is cooked but not totally and the food is properly prepared. Will require intensive and ever-present assistance making this for every step as I haven't the slightest idea how to make stew properly outside of "Throw shit in a crockpot." First other meal will be another apple (yellow delicious would be good but not required, acceptable apple types include gala, jonagold, yellow delicious and fuji if bought at wal-mart, or pretty much any apple not green at all purchased at the old william's grocery store. Green apples are terrible) with homemade bread (assistance required with the bread making, at every step of the process) and butter. The second meal will be some kind of cheese ravioli, which I will need help making as I haven't the slightest how to make that or how to tell what kind is good but cheese ravioli's good stuff.

Friday, December 2nd:
Three Meals: Boboli's Pizza, with the second crust in the package of the pizza from wednesday, with mozarella cheese, pizza sauce (of which should still be some left) and turkey pepperoni (can be obtained in little packages). Any other ingredients optional. Second meal is chicken caesar salad, which I have no idea how to make at all and will need help making. Third meal of the day will be hamburgers, with ore-ida brand tater tots.

Saturday, December 3rd
Three Meals:
Breakfast: Strawberry Yogurt and an apple of any previously listed as acceptable type.
Lunch: Frozen Pizza (personal supervision of the purchase of said pizza all but required to ensure there is no mishap. Specific pizza wanted is the kind that was most recently obtained but not rejected)
Dinner will be steak stir-fry. As I haven't the slightest idea how to make that I will require step-by-step assistance.

Alternate meals that can be switched out for any other single meal should price or convenience demand it:

Lasagna, made with noodles that are not pre-boiled (will require assistance to make step-by-step)
Fajitas, steak or chicken (will require step-by-step assistance in preparation)
Nachos, made with taco meat and black olives (preferably after tacos are first made, or served instead of tacos)
food from any acceptable restaurant. Similar food type to the replaced meal optional.

Optional ingredients that are not required but would enhance the plan:

Orange Crush, in plastic bottles, glass bottles, aluminum cans, whatever
Sprite, Sierra Mist, 7-up, ORANGE Fanta, et al are all sodas that would be appreciated
Strawberries, fresh or frozen, for smoothies.
One banana, fresh, for a smoothie
Silk brand soy milk, for smoothies (preferably the basic flavor with added omega 3 stuff)
Ice Cream, vanilla or strawberry
Marshmallow Pies

Note that soda is best purchased in smaller containers, because then none of it gets wasted. A 2 liter may cost less, but only half of it ends up getting consumed, so I would think that more is obtained per penny in smaller, more numerous containers. I haven't done the math on that though so I may be incorrect.

Note that ingredients may be missing from the list and that as a result double-checking before finalization by the recipient of this mail is advisable in addition to the checking the author has done.

Note that ingredients have brands listed where brands are known and are important. Any case where brands are not listed for a product, it is assumed whoever purchases the ingredient will be making a judgment based on what is normally purchased and/or what tastes best.
Items on ingredient list may be duplicates.
list of food/ingredients required in some capacity (some we may already possess, and some I am not sure what is needed and thus an inventorying of what we have available already is a good idea) :
Hamburger (for tacos)
Shells for tacos, preferably small. Small soft shells corn shells are preferred, as are hard shells. If large shells are needed, they should be white
Black Olives, for Tacos
Fiesta Blend Cheese/Mexican Blend Cheese, for tacos
Taco Seasoning
Steak, for stir fry (whatever is needed)
Peppers, assorted (For stir fry)
Stir-Fry Sauce
White Rice, for Stir Fry (minute brand preferably if instant rice)
Anything else stir fry needs
Yogurt, Yoplait Brand (Strawberry, original kind)
Hamburger, for hamburgers (again)
enough buns for both times hamburgers are consumed
Tater Tots, frozen (ore-ida brand)
Everything used in chicken caesar salad
Whatever it takes to make cheese ravioli
Whatever it takes to make homemade bread
Roast, beef
Whatever else I'd put in a stew (probably carrots, potatoes and broth...stuff? Not sure how stew works.)
Ramen noodles, chicken flavored, pack of 12 or single package, whichever.
chicken, raw (for ramen)
carrots, raw (for ramen)
potatoes, raw (for ramen)
whatever other spices go into ramen (For ramen)
Turkey Pepperoni
Pizza Sauce, 1 jar (the sauce in the fridge is likely crusty and nasty by now if it's still even in there but that brand is excellent, whatever it is)
Pizza Crust, Boboli's brand (package of two full sized)
Black Olives in a can, preferably great value and jumbo sized olives (for easier and safer slicing)
Mozarella Cheese
Mushrooms, fresh (for pizza. Will not need a large number of them, but will undoubtedly still eat them.)
Blueberry Eggos
Hamburger
Hamburger Buns
Chicken, raw
Whatever goes into mashed potatoes (hell if I know)
White bread
Apples of any mix of the acceptable apple types, including gala, jonagold, yellow delicious and fuji if bought at wal-mart, or pretty much any apple not green at all purchased at the old william's grocery store. Green apples are bad and will not be consumed by me.
Turkey Bacon
Lettuce
Ore-Ida brand Steak Fries or alternatively golden crinkles, whatever they're called
spaghetti noodles
tomato sauce, be it with mushrooms, garlic and basil, or original
hamburger (for meatballs), and whatever else goes into meatballs
Garlic Bread, frozen

If alternative meal chosen, ingredients instead:
lasanga noodles, boil yourself kind
hamburger, for lasagna
sauce, for lasagna
all kinds of cheese lasagna uses
anything else lasagna requires.
Steak/Chicken, for Fajitas
Fajita Seasoning
Onions
Peppers
Tortilla shells, large, for fajitas

I followed this with a long rant about how fucking insane this situation is and how ridiculous it is that anyone should live like I am presently and be told it's to suck it up and deal (paraphrased summary, there).

I won't be posting that rant though as I'm pretty sure the character limit can't contain that and everything else here, and it's just more of the same.

ChukoLiang

11-28-2011, 04:23 PM

And more "fun" stuff. This time before dad can even wake up, the conversation cycle begins again.

the pattern of conversation every conversation I have had with mom inevitably ends up following in the past while:

Me: Greeting
Mom: Bare bones acknowledgement or total silent treatment
Me: Attempt to start friendly concersation
Mom: Backhanded Comment
Me: Attempt to bring up something unrelated that seems a neutral topic that can't be turned either way
Mom: Turns it against me
Me: Curt response
Mom: Blatant denial of any kind of communication other than sometimes her yelling at me
Me: Returns to room, dejected, knowing that yet another failure to repair anything at all has occurred. End result: Everyone feels worse for the conversation.

Sometimes stages are skipped or added, but it always ends the same way.

The most recent example went like so, paraphrased and summarized:

Me: Walks into living room, greets mom.
Mom: Vaguely returns greeting, if at all, really.
Me: Brings up a story I just finished writing, mentioning it was fun.
Mom: Vague, disinterested "okay. Cool."
Me: Brings up I was considering walking to sonic with the three dollars I have in two ones and some change
Mom: Backhanded comment about how that's good, I should get exercise (insinuating I am weak and don't do anything active by choice intentionally I am sure, as she has said so before)
Me: Explains I can't exercise because I'm already losing weight at a catastrophic level doing nothing active at all, and that exercising more would make me starve to death faster.
Mom: Immediately turns hostile, blaming me for the fact there's no goddamn food in the house for me.
Me: Opens pantry, offers to go through everything in it to explain, point-by-point, why I will not or can not eat any of it.
Mom: Shuts me out, refuses to hear anything but herself insulting me and bashing the shit out of me verbally.
Me: Metaphorically shrugs, turns and walks to own room, shutting and locking door behind.

Another failure of a conversation.

The most fun part was her passive-fucking-aggressive letter to me she left on my bed when I was at OU celebrating my birthday because I am no longer welcome in my home outside of my own bedroom for extended periods, let alone with multiple guests.

It was basically a letter saying I'm a horrible person, she wishes I wasn't a horrible person but it's true, and that she's washed her hands of me and handed responsibility for me completely over to my dad. Nothing ruins a good day like hearing your mother doesn't want anything to do with you anymore.

I think the words I would use are "terrifyingly intense, barely controlled rage that nobody notices or cares about around here".

I can't possibly get out of here soon enough.

SnakeEyez

11-28-2011, 07:05 PM

I can't possibly get out of here soon enough.
Quoted for motherfucking truth. That is some Grade A bullcrap right there. Please tell me you've made a conscious effort to find somewhere else to live after that situation with your brother a few weeks ago.

As for a bicycle, well. I never learned to ride a bike. When I was at an age where I had interest in doing so, I lived in alaska. In alaska there's three months, four at most a year you can ride a bike without snow being an issue. My bike got rusted to shit from being left out all winter, and never got fixed. So I never learned how to not fuck myself up on a bike. So...riding one now that I weigh much more and thus would hurt much more hitting pavement or whatever.

That's the cruelty of bicycles. It's harder to ride on on grass, but the impact hurts less than pavement generally. Conversely, it's easier to ride on pavement but you hit ground and it hurts like a bitch.
You're focusing too much on the negatives again. Learning how to ride a bike when you're a kid is difficult since kids are clumsy and stupid, but learning how to ride a bike as an adult should be no big deal. After a bit of practice, it's easy. Don't even worry crashing and getting hurt. The worst that happens is a few scrapes and bruises. That's it. You're not going to get seriously hurt on a bicycle unless you're doing stupid stuff with it. As long as you're just riding around the neighborhood, you'll be fine.

ChukoLiang

11-28-2011, 07:15 PM

Quoted for motherfucking truth. That is some Grade A bullcrap right there. Please tell me you've made a conscious effort to find somewhere else to live after that situation with your brother a few weeks ago.

You're focusing too much on the negatives again. Learning how to ride a bike when you're a kid is difficult since kids are clumsy and stupid, but learning how to ride a bike as an adult should be no big deal. After a bit of practice, it's easy. Don't even worry crashing and getting hurt. The worst that happens is a few scrapes and bruises. That's it. You're not going to get seriously hurt on a bicycle unless you're doing stupid stuff with it. As long as you're just riding around the neighborhood, you'll be fine.

I have two plans set up as methods of leaving. The problem being the one is going to be four weeks after spring semester ends at the earliest. So...quite awhile. The other is a much bigger step (to OREGON!) and that would entail a lot more planning and shit.

Am currently working on solutions to everything. Dad is helping out. Am making two lists, one of problems that need to be fixed and/or "things that bug [me]", and the other being goals and things I'd like to do.

As for riding a bike, you know, you are correct. I am definitely mis-remembering how bad it sucks falling off a bike. I mean, last time I even attempted was....age 11? At the latest? I'll see what I can do. The problem with a bike is that because of where I live, there's houses, a school, four other buildings, and then just.....space. Warehouses and open land and shit. I am not a good estimator of distance generally, but I think it'd be quite a ways to get to anything not part of that. But you know, getting a bike and trying is better than doing neither.

Alright. I'll see what I can do. The most pressing two issues that need to be taken care of most before I can expect to really make use of a bike is the physical aspect (not nearly in good enough shape, don't know how to ride one exactly, etc.) and the fiscal one (how am I gonna get the cash for a bike?). Should be able to get through though. Gonna look into some kind of phobia therapy in about two hours to try to get past the driving shit. Will report on the results later, as well as both aforementioned lists (goals and problems, put simply).

I'm far too far along to give up, so the only real options are go through or go around. One or the other, or both, are what I'm working towards. I find it oddly amusing that in the middle of all this, I still went "Well, screw it" and wrote a short story (7 pages in wordpad). That was fun, at least. Second longest written work I've completed and far and above my favorite I've made. Things are looking up, but I have learned to be wary when that happens because so far every single good thing has consistently been closely followed with bad shit.

It's one thing to say all kinds of inspirational and motivational shit, and another entirely to act on it. I best get to the acting, I suppose. Step one: list and prioritize...

ChukoLiang

11-30-2011, 02:27 AM

So I decided to attempt to tackle learning to cook. As I am lacking in knowledge at least partially on just about every food I'd want to make, I am jumping into this all the way.

Or at least I would be if I was, you know, hungry. At all.

I managed to start repairing things with my mom this morning, and of course because something major happened that was good, something major that is bad happened shortly afterward. This time, I just realized how dire my grandparents' situation on my mother's side is.

My grandmother's mother suffered from alzheimer's at a terrible level before she died. As a result she refuses to even acknowledge that the word "alzheimer's" is a thing.

But she has it, and has it bad. To the point she couldn't remember we went to see her less than a month later. To the point she repeats conversations in the middle of the conversation. But she refuses to acknowledge it.

She's been showing signs for years. She has ever since I remember her been a big proponent of snake oil type stuff, firmly believing that it is helpful. She survived cancer and claimed it was entirely because of what is literally sugar pills. (Mannatech.) But no, clearly it saved her. Not the chemo. Not the doctors. No, she could have made it just fine with just ambrotose and her insanely regimented vegetarian diet and her talks with jesus.

She's out of her mind and has been for years, only getting worse.

This would all be manageable if her husband, my grandfather, was in good health. But he's not. This is the second incident in only a few years now that he's been in the ICU with the prognosis being extremely poor. Since the first time he's had to have an oxygen tank everywhere he goes. He's physically wasted away. He's diabetic and the list of diseases he had is so long I couldn't comprehend how anyone could survive it. Last time (this is as I recall, I may have some facts wrong) over the course of a month or two he miraculously survived his digestive system and respiratory system completely failing and his heart just about giving it up.

The difference here is before he was committed and insistent he couldn't die. Now it seems from what bits and pieces of info I can gather he doesn't have that anymore. He presently has pnemonia and is in the ICU for it, and apparently might have some kind of blockage in an artery or two because his heart rate is abnormal and indicative of that, I guess.

So basically, my grandfather's body is falling apart, and my grandmother's mind is.

The thing is, and I feel like I should feel bad about this, the level at which I'm feeling anything is just...minor.

I know that there have been some people lately with relatives in bad situations. I get that. I get that people should feel bad about that. But I don't. I feel like I should feel something. Here's my grandparents on my mother's side, both pretty much doomed to die in not too long. Grandma has no chance of lasting very long without him.

The thing is...I know this'll sound bad. I know it will sound really, really bad. But I can explain. I have yet to go to a funeral for anyone in my life thus far, despite there being several I could have gone to. To be honest, the only one I regret not going to at this point was my father's best friend's. I didn't get it at the time how horrible that was for him. If I'd known, I would've gone.

But I don't go to family ones. I don't. For two reasons:

1: I just think it'd be a bad thing for me, and

2: I really don't care that much about anyone who's died yet.

I say "yet", because, well, everyone will eventually. Death and taxes, right? But the only family members dead so far have been my great grandfather on my dad's side and some distant relatives on my mother's.

My mother's family has almost entirely rejected me from day one, her parents being the lone exceptions there. But I feel consolation in the fact they're all old assholes and best odds are I'll live longer and maybe even get to prove them wrong when they accused me of being incapable of any kind of success.

Yes, they DID tell an 11 year old that. These are not good people. They guilted my mother to the point we stopped talking to them, presumably because she didn't want to deal with it anymore.

My great grandfather was a really great guy. I regret not getting to talk to him about his life. What little I know was fascinating. The problem is, I missed that chance, and I wasn't going to get it at the funeral. It's important to remember that the funeral is for the benefit of the living. The corpse isn't going to care if you show up or not. The corpse won't know.

So I didn't show. Because, as it is an event for the living, I realized I'd gain nothing from it and probably lose something as well.

Now my grandparents are dying. And really, it doesn't affect me. I don't see why it would; these are people who haven't been part of my life at all for seven years or so, and weren't a major part of it at any time except the fact that by getting sick to the point I was required to go to indiana, I did horrendously bad in school. I don't care who you are, it's not easy to complete assignments you don't know how to do with nobody around giving a shit about them or knowing how to help in a room with a potentially dying man.

So here I am. My grandparents are inevitably not going to last much longer. If grandpa makes it to 2012 it'd be a miracle at this point, it seems. And it doesn't bother me at all.

I don't know if that makes me a sociopath or something. It's not like I really have any reason to care other than that they're related to me. Honestly, the biggest issue is that I'll have to go back to indiana or stay here with nathan. I am not sure which is the worse choice, legitimately. With nathan, I can always flee out the window if required. With indiana, I'll be surrounded by a living hell, by people who hate the world and their lives but refuse to do anything to change them, in a place that I already likened to hell on earth that somehow is worse than I remember it being.

I'm considering attempting a third option of "acquire funding, stay elsewhere." Not sure where I could go though. I really, REALLY don't want to go to anyone and go "Hey, so, can I crash on your couch for an indefinite amount of time while my parents are pretty much watching my grandparents die?"

I dunno. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I realize it's tragic, but they're both at least mid 70s now. I'm twenty. I need to find a way to make sure I don't end up dead or worthless in the here and now. I honestly don't think I can spare the time to stop. I'm already having enough problems as is.

ChukoLiang

11-30-2011, 10:24 PM

It is possibly the most difficult challenge I've had to endure thus far to take a brat hitting myself and my mother and NOT beat him.

But no! Nate's son isn't a bad kid! of COURSE not!

ChukoLiang

12-05-2011, 06:08 AM

Cool.

Now that I've gotten that over with. I'm doing okay. Good, in fact. Got a date lined up with an interesting, cool, video-game playing and attractive girl.

Kickass.

Now I just hope I remember to shave that day. And change my shirt.

Not having to do all that daily was kind of nice while it lasted. Oh well. Sherlock Holmes 2 looks good, if it comes out early enough.

ChukoLiang

12-06-2011, 09:17 PM

Poll time!

Should I Read:

House of Leaves

One of my Discworld books

Clancy stuff

Or is the answer "Fuck, PSM, stop asking for help with trivial decisions and make up your own fucking mind!"

I think I like that last answer. I'm gonna open house of leaves after a phone call to my sister.

Let's do this.

UPDATE: Noo....will to grab book...slipping...

SnakeEyez

12-06-2011, 11:45 PM

I say House of Leaves because it has the most interesting-sounding title. (How does one live inside a house made of leaves? I bet this book tells you!)

AlucardsFate

12-07-2011, 12:09 AM

None of those. Read Green Eggs & Ham. It's a classic psychological thriller about a man and his stalker.

ChukoLiang

12-07-2011, 09:04 AM

Indeed it is.

I'll read house of leaves soon...I keep saying that. Maybe someday it'll be true.

bitching and venting to follow.
I dunno. I keep thinking I'll drag myself away from the laptop. I doubt I will. At least I broke the grip of skyrim. But bigger problems. Much bigger problems.

I can't hate. I just. I fucking. I don't know. Am I too weak to hate people? I can't maintain a constant just rage and fucking loathing of people who deserve nothing else. I know I shouldn't talk to them. I know they wronged me and I am justified in just blocking them out. So why do I give in? I don't do it with everyone. So many I've just cut off without really a second thought. What is the weakness?

Is it that they're all female? That seems to be true. The ones I can't hate. Weakness! Weakness! I should be able to hate them. They deserve it. They don't even deserve to talk to me, low as I may be, they are lower. I can be angry and say I'm done with them all I want. I can't stop. The one I decided to 'apologize' to to get a chance to hurt her. I'm a horrible asshole. But I can't. I can't go through with it. I don't even know what the fuck to do. What do I do? Am I really that weak, I can't hate females? What is this trash? Is it just the females I have hated tend to be smarter than the men I hate, and therefore I keep thinking they're better, they've improved? Always a fucking lie! ALWAYS. Why trust people I KNOW have betrayed me as I watched them fucking do it, I let them destroy me!

What point? What purpose? Am I truly so low I only talk to them for the minimal chance to get in their pants? Disgusting! Repulsive! I won't accept that as even a possibility. What if I'm just too kind? Too forgiving? Sometimes it takes a total rat bastard to get shit done. I need to be able to be one. What can I do? I can hardly trust anyone new anymore but I end up forgiving the causes for that? Ridiculous.

True, the ex apologized to me. But why? Why the fuck did I say anything but "Fuck you, leave me be." What can I do? What do I do? She's a bitch who left me for an absolute without a doubt complete asshole I got to talk to. One of those guys that are e-thugs. So, so tough behind that computer screen. I tried to be polite. I tried to be respectful. Asshat did not fucking get it, did he? I drew the line at the death threats and he blew past it at light speed with his fucking 2nd grade "It's not a threat, it's a fact!" I wish I was editing that line, exaggerating something. No. I was not. Motherfucker. In a world of my design we'd have had a little pistols at dawn action, I'd have shot the motherfucker between the eyes in a legally sanctioned duel, said to the ex "Find someone who isn't an asshole" and left her there weeping over the corpse of a total douchebag. There. That's what reality should be. We should be fucking having duels of honor legally sanctioned. Goddamn. Bullshit.

He is an e-thug who uses a drawing he made as his display picture of goddamn facebook and the drawing is absolutely terrible. He's an art major though, you know. So dashing. So great. So nice. I want to murder him. But I won't. I can't. I wouldn't let myself if I had to.

So I sit. I stew. I dwell in this place where my hands are tied to even cut them both off. She sends an apology and I fucking eat it up why didn't I just be an asshole? Solve the problem there. Kick her ass out of my life until she gets the goddamn hint. But no. I have to be a good guy. Can't be a fucking asshole! Even though clearly I would have to be to get a date with that fucking bitch!

Oh, and she tried to say he didn't view me as a threat, he's such a compassionate guy, fuck him. He's a douchebag took a chance to eliminate any possible threats to his latest prey. And she's walking right in, and what the fuck can I do? What would I do? She pulled the fucking "I only stayed with you out of PITY!" Bullshit because that means either she's lying or never has had the self-respect she claims so often to have, and thus is also still lying. Whore. Bitch. So much hate. Yet I react with all this rage so calmly. Nobody gets how goddamn fucking pissed I am every fucking day. I can't explain it to them or they'll think I'm crazy. Just because I hide it doesn't mean it is okay. It sucks. It's horrible. I just want to punch and punch something, anything. Punching bag. Wall. Assholes' faces. Something. But can't. Won't. The only guy with a punching bag drank the metaphorical kool-aid and cut himself with the quite literal blade in a goddamn stupid blood oath 'tradition' that would be ridiculous for 6 year olds in nineteen-fucking-fifty. But no, it's the "brotherhood" oath. Will you watch? No, I fucking won't, TK, tall kris, you asshole. The fuck do I wanna, well, okay, seeing gage get fucking cut and whimpering like a bitch, THAT would have been awesome. But no. The pot, the alcohol, the other shit. No. I cut them out, and lost the use of their punching bag. Fair trade, I'd say. I could always buy a punching bag sometime. I can't buy a better life if I'd stuck with those motherfuckers.

So much rage. If I was a god, the most powerful being in all existence, you better fucking believe there'd be corpses. But no. I am a good guy. At least I act it. No, I am. I feel the hate, the sheer loathing and rage, and show nothing. I type out some venting and go on smiling! Everyone must think I'm either an emo git or a smiling fucking asshole. I am neither.

I just want some goddamn fucking justice I know I'll never get. world's fucked up. Always has been. So I won't get the justice I want. Best I could possibly do is laugh at her as the asshole drains her of everything she values faster than a thousand leeches ever could. It will happen, or she will drop him like a piano on a fucking sidewalk. Either way. He's a horrible person. Not even she deserves him.

There's the fault. Humanizing. She's not worth that respect I give her. The fuck has she done to deserve respect? She's cheated on me, basically made it clear my entire existence was a nuisance to her from day one and she didn't leave out of fucking PITY.

FUCK her. FUCK that. FUCK them. Hate. That's all there is for them. Hate.

And I keep going. Lessers might give up on dating. I have not. Will not. There's somebody out there that's not a total asshole, whore or bitch. Somewhere. I gotta find her. Someone who has everything on the “needs” list and some of the “wants” at least too. Fuck her. Fuck him. I hope they crash into a tree, and break a bunch of fucking bones, and then the car catches fire and burns them alive slowly as they burn with fucking shattered goddamn skeletons. Not her, just him. Fuck, humanization again. She's hardly a person. Hardly worth pity or anything but hate. Hate.

Evil, that's them. And that's what I feel myself becoming ever so slowly and I can't stop it or help it. I can talk all this big talk, inspirational bullshit I think up. What have I done? Cooked a few meals? Cool story bro. Have I done anything of fucking value? Still haven't driven in months. Still don't know how. Still terrified out of my mind. No progress. Got a date set up I can't see myself not fucking up but WHATEVER I gotta try. Go in without trying and might as well not even go. You'll fail. Bound to. I just, I feel like such an asshole. Megan straight up stated “I will drive and pay for everything” and I'm like “I will pay you the cash later” and she is all “No.” Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm exploiting her. Can't do that. Can't be the leech I hate in others. I won't. I won't let myself.

It's cold outside to everyone but me. Dad seems legitimately concerned I will get hypothermia or at least quite sick from wearing shorts, a t-shirt and sandals out in 27 degree weather. I don't feel cold. I feel happy. Good. The cold is refreshing. It's memories coming back. Memories of when I wasn't worried about this bullshit. For all it's worth. The world hasn't changed. My perception has. It's been this shithole since before my birth. Long before. Can't do anything about it though. Why would I be able to? Not rich as hell. Not especially privileged. I have more freedom than a lot of people my age might, as I am oh so often reminded, but of course it's not enough to do anything that matters. Can't change the world, the country, the state. Why would anyone listen to me? I only love it all so much. I love the world, this country. I love Oklahoma. I love humanity. So many douchebags but so many good people too. And what can I do to help it, help anyone? Help myself? I can't get into a fucking college. I don't have the cash, the credentials or anything else. I'm too late by over a month to sign up for spring semester. I'm almost guaranteed at this point to be a washed up nobody everyone ends up fucking forgetting! She lied. She said she'd remember me as a good person FUCK HER. She hates me. You don't do that shit to anyone you don't hate. Bitch. Hate hate hate. Hate. I hate them both. I hate them, and the other motherfuckers that dared trifle with me. Dared fuck with me. If I was a god I could have destroyed them all. But then I'd have friends out of fear. What good is that? I want respect. Not fear. Not kissasses. RESPECT. What good is anything else that makes people gravitate?

I just, I wish I had respect from them. That must be why I reopened communications, or at least stopped them from being closed forever. Fuck. The hell can I do? The hell could I try to do? What would I want to fucking do anymore? I don't even know. I want to write. Write something I can be proud of. Fat chance, me. Not even good at short stories. It's all bullshit. I can't see a possible future where I'm anything but dead or a leech. Like the leeches I hate so much. So much. I won't become them. I refuse. If it means I starve and freeze to death at once on the streets and my corpse is never identified, so be it. That's what it takes to not be like gage, like the assholes, the kissasses, the sycophants. If that's what I have to do? Fine. So be it. I will not be remembered as a leech. I refuse to be legitimately called a parasite. Never. I won't allow it.

The brother can still be an asshole. Let him. I tried to repair with mom and it started to work til she had to go to indiana to do the hardest part, put her mother in a nursing home. There's no other option. She's insane. She has dementia so bad it's ridiculous. I can't fault mom for leaving. Her dad is probably going to die soon. I should've gone but I'm WEAK. I could've gone but refused. I don't even know my grandparents really well and I've missed the chance. Grandma's so deep in alzheimer's she's not been herself for years. Grandpa can't even speak through the fucking tubes. What, what do I do? I missed my chance. I should connect with dad's parents but I can't do it. I can't. It's so depressing just talking to them. So sad. I don't even know. What do I do? What can I do?

Rage and hate and love and fear and I seek joy and can't get it, can't catch it ever. Can't even come close enough to feel I accomplished a damn thing.

So confused. I do the right thing, but what is that? Reconciling, knowing they'll hurt me again, possibly even worse? Forgive fully knowing they only seek to damage me further? Fuck them. Yet I can't not forgive. I am too weak to hate. Too weak! I shouldn't be weak. But I'd probably become an asshole. Hate everyone. I don't want to. What else is there? They WILL hurt me. Nate will, why bother even talking to him? The ex is a bitch who is a great actress. So is the other bitch. Oh, such a melodramatic master. Fuck her, fuck them. Why forgive? What do I gain? What does anyone gain that's good? They get to hurt me worse, I get to sit there and twiddle my thumbs and take their abuse. Fuck that! Fuck them!

Can't hate, can't fight, can't hurt, can't wound, can't attack, can't punch. I can't attack anyone. I refuse. I won't allow myself. I have doubts I could with a gun to my head, knowing if I didn't punch someone I'd die. What good is it?

I will sleep again. Likely forget the pain. The hate. I get accused of being 'emo' sometimes. Fuck that. I am no fake asshole. It's so ridiculous an accusation it's barely worth addressing.

Gage, Gage was emo. He wept over problems he did nothing to stop, knowing they'd happen if he did nothing. His family's eviction might have been stopped or at least delayed had he got off his fucking ass and gotten a goddamn job, maybe applying more than five total times in one 12 month year. I am not exaggerating. No hyperbole in that line. The ONLY problem he bitched about, as in, there was one, among the countless endless shit, was his dad's death. The dad who by gage's words drank himself to death. So of course gage was a drunkard last I saw him. Probably just about alcoholic then. So if nothing changed he's hitting the booze hard now, I am sure. Motherfucker. I am not him! I do something, anything. Even if I failed. I tried. I did. I did not sit here and bitch doing absolutely nothing. I tried. I still try. I will keep trying. When I see problems starting I have to try to stop them or I am him and I WILL NOT be that. That sad excuse for a person. What a waste of food and flesh.

What can I even do? What can I even attempt? Doesn't matter. I have to try. Even if I fail! I tried. I did something. Try everything. Something has to end up working eventually.

Fuck this all. I gotta keep grinding forward through all the bullshit and the hate I get thrown my way. Fuck it. Enough depressing talk. Venting over. Keep going. Always move forward. If you can't tell what forward is, then guess. Just don't stop.

ChukoLiang

12-08-2011, 10:57 PM

Dear foxkei,

I dropped a tank on a goomba today.

Super Mario Bros. Crossover is amazing.

I'm so happy that it was made.

I need to stop playing it and read house of leaves, but it is unlikely I will do so until I tire with the game.

Cordially,
-PSM

ChukoLiang

12-10-2011, 11:05 AM

Signing off foxkei from this laptop that is not mine. Mine is now fucked up.

I think it was a virus. I am pretty sure.

I cannot repair it myself.

I do not know when next I will sign on. It could be a few hours, or it could be march. Or later. I don't know.

This is irritating as shit.

Anyway. This computer is shared. I may not get to use it in awhile, and it may just break down. Who knows?

I doubt I'll make the stream tomorrow. Or, today. Whatever. Either way. I don't think I'll get to use this laptop for that purpose. I might be able to.

Anyway.

I am so pissed. SO pissed. So I am going to go to my room which this laptop is not in, probably start up my PS3 or something. Vent awhile. Maybe go to bed. Fuck. So pissed off. So pissed off. So pissed off.......

ChukoLiang

12-13-2011, 07:27 AM

There's no hate or humor in this post.

http://loudwire.com/nikki-sixx-calls-12-year-old-girl-sixx-a-m-music-anti-bullying-video/

That article. You read that. You read it RIGHT NOW. Oh man. That's just, that's just so awesome. So great. The video that girl made especially.

It's inspiring. I have an idea for something I could do.

ChukoLiang

12-16-2011, 02:20 PM

Dear Foxkei,

I have posted something at the following link worth reading. Said link is set to be publicly viewable, so there is no need to sign in or sign up at said website:

https://www.facebook.com/notes/james-logan-knoll/to-request-assistance-and-explain-is-the-purpose-here/10150448738974457

I have the door locked and shut and am in my room. He is at work. I do not know how much time will pass before he catches word and gets irate and raging, violently mad, but I know it will eventually happen.

In the meantime, I am going to read John Dies At The End. If I am to risk so much, I may as well read a good book while waiting.

My plan, if he gets frothing mad, is that I now have two different phones in my room and have for awhile. My cell phone and the house phone. And though I will not hastily stoop to such measures, I am not afraid to call the cops on his psycho ass. But I won't unless I can prove through the phone call he is violent. So yelling, and if he beats on the door again that will likely be heard as well.

I dunno. Maybe he'll respond rationally.

I think it's more likely a meteorite will smash through the roof and hit only one television in my house, perfectly in the center and be just small enough to only damage it. But hey. What do I know?

SnakeEyez

12-16-2011, 08:30 PM

What's the latest word on your plans to move out?

I just hate how you feel compelled to lock yourself up every time your dad is gone. It's like you're a prisoner in your own home. That's not right.

ChukoLiang

12-17-2011, 01:44 AM

What's the latest word on your plans to move out?

I just hate how you feel compelled to lock yourself up every time your dad is gone. It's like you're a prisoner in your own home. That's not right.

The plans are myriad and detailed, but the shortest version possible is thus:

1: I will move out ASAP, either to oregon or norman, both options are being kept open.

2: After I have done so, my father will simply stop putting on a polite facade with nathan.

3: Nate will eventually get sick of finally being forced to PAY RENT, and likely mooch elsewhere.

4: Profit!

ChukoLiang

12-22-2011, 08:44 PM

So there's this movie I saw a trailer for, and it did not take me long to realize how horrible the movie is. Oh no. I am sure it will have excellent directing and acting and blah blah.

Look. "war horse". A movie about a horse who is a hero in world war one. Do you know what the lesson of world war one is?

That technology has moved on, and that war has moved with it (thus the trench warfare because getting in ranks and formations does not work when the other guy has turret mounted machine guns).

That there are no heroes (we're talking a conflict that was ridiculous and horrifically deadly. A conflict with more dead by far than any conflict before it in human history. A living nightmare, a hellish experience so awful that people were willing to let Hitler annex countries in a vain attempt to avoid it ever happening again. This is probably THE worst situation to have been in in human history on such a scale to that point in history. You're living in a long serious of holes clawed out of the earth, with a rifle and a helmet and prayer and nothing else to protect you, with artillery hitting the ground 24 hours a day, seven days a week. In a trench, hoping you aren't the next person to get hit with a shell and be sprayed all over the trench walls. You likely are sick, and you can only hope you don't have anything particularly important amputated to gangrene and other infections and a host of other horrors. You live in a hole in the ground filled with tepid, rancid rainwater, with pests and vermin all around, and filth up to your ankles if you're lucky, and not just up to your knees. This is your life for the next several years but don't worry you almost guaranteed will not survive that long. You wait in fear the order to go over the top because statistically you are almost certain to die at that point. You wait for the next shell to hit and pray, again, it doesn't hit you, or if it does you die quickly and are not bleeding to death or mortally wounded for hours, maybe a day or more.

This is your life. There are no heroes. There is no glory. There is nothing but hell. Does it sound graphic? Does it sound bad, and bloody? That's because it was. That is where "shell shock" was invented as a term because they thought the sound of a shell from an artillery piece over time wore away at people's sanity, and eventually they would become gibbering cowering messes of flesh and not even people. Especially at the time, there was no cure for this, and if you were at all disturbed by your friends being turned into what looks like something from a blender and being sprayed all over you, and expressed this disturbance, at BEST you'd get ignored. They might just shoot you for insubordination, for DARING to question this war. They might send you back to live in the horrible asylums of the era. You may just be looked at as less than human the rest of your life.

The very fact ANYONE did this is a testament to human courage on the individual level and a testament to human vice, human weakness, and human callous stupidity on the political level.

So of course we should make a glorified air bud movie that's PG-13 about this. Of course.

ChukoLiang

12-24-2011, 07:26 PM

I'm sick of walking on eggshells every fucking minute. Oh no! We can't make nathan angry! Oh no! We must treat him as royalty!

Even when he steals my fucking food and eats it IN FRONT OF ME commenting on how good it is? Yes! Be all meek and fucking begging and maybe his gracr will

FUCK THAT and FUCK HIM.

You know what?

I'm probably gonna relent soon when I get ordered to again for the I don't even know how many times by my father. But I hate him. I hate hate hate him.

This, this is what your christianity makes. And that's why I hate it.

ChukoLiang

12-27-2011, 08:38 AM

I notice an alarming trend around me that has grown for years and shows no signs of relenting and it's a bit unnerving to watch.

I call it "Nyx Syndrome". In persona 3, Nyx is essentially a deity of death that will come to wipe the Earth free of life when enough people call for it. It's not to be taken literally here but it's a strong allegory because strangely enough the number of people I hear talking about the end of civilization and life as we know it with growing glee. Be it the "zombie apocalypse plan" or plans for when the world just dissolves into anarchy, the trend of people I know to make plans for this kind of thing is immensely disturbing, especially since my plan in either case is "Get a weapon and hunt everyone who horribly wronged me, and then kill myself because fuck living like that" and the first part is meant humorously.

I dunno. I guess I'm worried that enough people really really wanting this to happen will make it happen.

ChukoLiang

12-31-2011, 09:52 AM

Sick sick sick. Sick sick sick.

Flu flu flu body aches head aches flesh aches hurts pain.

I could write more enunciatingly but I'm more caught in pain. Wording bad, oh well. Pain. Three hours of sleep. Not doing good, but not going back to sleep. So thirsty but if I drink water I might just vomit it up. Can't take tylenol I'll probably choke and it's better to be in pain than dead. This will pass. Probably my most common sickness. Not quite as bad as in sixth grade. Not yet anyway. In sixth grade I woke up and was unable to get out of bed, as in the very act of moving to breathe was agony. Not quite that bad, or maybe pain tolerance is better. We'll see.

Haven't checked the laptop yet to see if it works because I went to bed wwhen I got hit by the frieght train of body aches all of a sudden. And it was then I realized these past few days of neck pain was flu, not neck pain really. Not messing my neck up. Flu is so painful. I don't know that I can leave this chair without assistance. I hope I can. I probably can. Had to update you guys and facebook people so you'd know I'm not dead. Not dead. I've beaten worse flus than this and survived. It sucked to do so but I got over it. Been a year it feels since last body flu. Maybe more or less. Only remember pnemonia as sick otherwise this year.

I'd go back to sleep, I should, I want to, but I can't. I felt horrible and decided to try standing up. Would I feel worse? No. Took a bath in hot water. Pain receded a little. It'll come back again though. It's likely not done, not waning. It's gonna get worse before I get better but I can handle it. I just hope I can eat. Starting to cough now, and throat is starting to hurt. Gonna drink water. It's cold but I hope it makes me feel a little better.

Or I might vomit. Either way. If I vomit I'l be worse off than before but I'll try to hit the carpet and not the laptop, or make it to the trash can even. That'd be nice. I hope this works. I hope this works. Glass is right here.

HAving to steel one's nerves to drink ice water is not a good place to be. God, so much pain.

SnakeEyez

12-31-2011, 04:33 PM

The flu sucks. Hope you feel better soon. Drink plenty of orange juice!

ChukoLiang

01-01-2012, 09:58 AM

Orange juice, my most deadly foe.

I'll make due with strawberry smoothies made myself for the moment. And ice water. ice water is good.

The flu seems to regress and return as of the second day it has been quite apparent now. I woke up feeling better and by midnight was almost as bad as yesterday. Fortunately I have since that point gotten a bit better. Going to try to sleep soon, but I have something to share here first.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind-machine_interface

We have, RIGHT NOW, technology, working, functional technology, that is essentially a machine hooked to and getting signals DIRECTLY FROM a human brain. Be it direct or indirect, holy shit that's nuts.

To give you an idea that's a mid-level technology in Sid Meier's Alien Crossfire. Other mid-level technologies include Synthetic Fossil Fuels (before this, which they term MMI or Mind-Machine Interface in the game), aircraft that can be mass-produced and function in an atmosphere quite unlike earth's, and it is one of the techs directly before FUSION REACTORS become commonplace.

Holy shit! Seriously! That must've seemed like some crazy science fiction to be placed there and we have it ALREADY? Fuck, that article almost seems like an elaborate prank. How did I not HEAR about this before?

Fuck, technology is AWESOME. Seriously. I honestly would not be surprised that if we managed to get as a world off the leash that is non-renewable fuel sources and could use the POWER that comes from other sources of energy that we could be living in a world that shares some science with ghost in the freaking shell in thirty, forty years.

I hope I live long enough to see the awesome shit we have coming our way because damn is science wonderful. So wonderful. I don't care what someone's stance on ethics or religion or whatever is, how can you NOT look at so many things and not just feel better? We invented a device that would stimulate and help maintain hearts that were damaged and when that was too much a hassle we made ARTIFICIAL HEARTS. Holy fuck, that's amazing. Right there. We could rip someone's internal organ out and replace it and it would STILL FUNCTION. I'm talking serious, important organs here. Vital organs. You can get heart transplants! Holy fuck! you can get a new LIVER, new KIDNEYS! Shit, how awesome is technology?

We have even made a breakthrough in curing HIV, and by "Curing" I mean "CURING". Read about it last...january, now? Turns out that in a very risky, very painful procedure that requires rare as hell materials (AKA bone marrow from someone who is genetically pretty much HIV immune, and holy fuck those people do exist.) But it managed to fix a dude's leukemia AND completely rid his body of HIV, and how fucking awesome is THAT? We can cure a RETROVIRUS. Do you have any idea how INSANE that is?

We are the most awesome fucking thing on this planet! We may be insignificant in the grand overarching scheme of all things everywhere but SHIT is this planet fucking awesome.

Yeah, I get there's a lot of bad shit but come ON, for once let's all just be happy about how fucking AWESOME life is for us. Even with bad shit happening, I can pull out a device I don't have the slightest idea how to make myself at all, with a keyboard that carries a design from the original english-language printing press and I can type shit and you can READ IT without using paper, without needing ink. Fuck, that's AWESOME.

I love the world. It's so wonderful, even amongst the bad. I think that's why I get irritated when people only talk about bad shit, or say people are all inherently evil, or the world is inherently evil or that bullshit.

We are awesome. WE CAN MAKE FLAMETHROWERS THAT SHOOT FUCKING FIRE FORTY FEET. I have seen this on a television show. These people got BORED and said "Hey, want to make a TURRET MOUNTED FLAMETHROWER?"

When we are awesome enough to make 40k technology we are fucking amazing. So let's welcome in 2012 with the knowledge that the world is amazing.

ChukoLiang

01-05-2012, 10:01 AM

You know. I could just save shit in .txt documents. I don't know why I post it anywhere else. I don't know.

I think it could be part of seeing what I wrote, no matter how garbage or pointless it is, with the border being an actual website, gives me some kind of gratification.

It doesn't make sense. Not much makes sense.

ChukoLiang

01-05-2012, 10:40 AM

I have to choose between taking pills or not. And I wish it was an easy choice.

I choose between hating myself forever or likely losing every single person I care about as they leave from my bullshit.

I can choose between destroying the creativity I have or destroying the friendships I have made in the uncontrollability I find myself burdened with. It's not though. It's not impossible, it's just hard. It might be impossible but if I don't fight how do I know?

And I just can't let go. I have to distract myself and what do I have to distract with? The PS3's games are all played too much or unappealing. Or glitchy as shit. The laptop? Le Roi est mort, indeed, for the king is dead.

I just write but the writing doesn't help like it used to.

I just want to have some control, enough control, while not losing myself, and not losing my friends. What is so hard about that? Is it really such a choice? Who am I to be fit to make such a decision? I can't see how I would be.

I will hate myself for it if I go back.

It's the cruelty of irony, true irony, that it was only when I really valued people that I started to lose people. Though that was only when I started to gain people to lose, so I guess it is fitting.

With school these people are forced to be around you, and any who choose otherwise you can just stick with.

Now what have I? There is nothing. I can't really leave the house if I want to, because I have nowhere to go really, and I just listen to music right now.

I should go walk. I should because it'll help me just walk off this shit all over my soul, but I somehow doubt I'll be able to get it off for long.

I hate this. Hyperbole and a half was great, talking about depression, except I can't even care enough to care that I don't care.

And there isn't normally a reason so when there IS a reason to be upset, it all goes to hell.

the therapist keeps talking about how I am clearly going to be dangerously manic in not too long if I don't take lithium, just lithium he insists. And then tells me of course I wasn't suicidal on lithium, I'm remembering wrong. I am insulted by this statement. I remember it because there was a time I took nothing but lithium and for the duration I was horribly suicidally depressed all the time, every day. So they added an anti-depressant and I got way manic so they cut that and changed it and anti-convulsant because mom knows people who swear by those even though it did shit for me but help me develop a mental block that makes all pills taste awful forever even when I logically know they won't because lamictal did. It tasted absolutely horrible and I hate two different types of juice to where their smell makes me nauseous and I know it's mental but how do I fix that?

Pressured speech, he said. I say increased ability to put out output. But then, that's part of mania. I'm not manic, but that's what a manic person says. They're not. You're getting angry, why? I'm not accusing you of being crazy, he said. Are you accusing yourself?

I am getting angry, sir, because you are saying to my face I am not suitable to work at a job or go to a school, and insisting I essentially kill myself and let a bland boring asshole be reborn in my body. And fuck that. I'll take this over being not awake ever. I'll take this shit.

But it's so shitty. What if people I actually care about start distancing themselves?

I am trying so hard and it's not enough. Unfortunately reality isn't like fiction and I don't get a happy ending by design or default. Or an unhappy either, it's supposedly my choice but is it? I don't know. I don't really have much control at this point. I made the stupid as shit decisions in the past and it's still fucking me. Will continue to fuck me. And yet I can't look back at any of them and say they were the wrong ones at the time even with what I know now. I surrounded myself with people in school so I could feel like less of a horrible person and if I hadn't who can say I wouldn't have just stabbed myself by now?

It helped me get way better at interpersonal conversations, but I had to suffer on the grades because I just can't sit and work and work and work on work I KNOW is totally worthless and pointless for the entire free time I have. I had to play video games or I would have just snapped. And I got shit for it, for not turning things in because I was working on the more pressing skill of being able to have conversations.

I was doing okay but I was tired, tired all the time, and often depressed. So I figured if I'm going to be depressed and tired either way, but only about half the time off pills, why not go off pills? Plus I was gagging on the awful taste that wasn't there I still tasted anyway and vomiting up the pills and the food of the night sometimes twice a night, and never less often than once every two nights. And I had to quit that.

It's easy to criticize and say I need to get back on pills, it's much harder to be vomiting that much, and having to eat again, when my food supplies for three days (tuesday, wednesday, thursday) were a bag of frozen ravioli with a can of tomato sauce, half a bag of tator tots (frozen), and some great value brand chicken nuggets, frozen as well. I am down to one serving of the ravioli left and a few of the chicken nuggets, and no tator tots. I made it, but what about if I was vomiting that time? I wouldn't have. I would have been forced to skip the medicine because I had no food to eat to take with it and if I take it on an empty stomach I am 100% certain I will vomit from it because it has always happened.

It's easy to tell me to take pills when you aren't watching your body slowly waste away as you lose weight to malnutrition and get told to go walk. Because, you know, I want to burn calories faster.

It's easy to say take pills when you don't have this situation, is all I'm saying. But it's still hard to say not to, for me. I am not sure I'm doing the right thing, but the sad truth is in real life it's entirely possible there is no right choice here.

We are raised by fiction, by TV and books and video games. What was the last video game you played that by design you CANNOT WIN, that was a commercial success? The game that no matter what you die, your friends all die, and permanently and forever you lose. It's like if in a modern warfare game you just died, and instead of playing someone else, you're just dead. That just happened. You just lose, and America dies with you, and it's over. Done.

No. there's always a way we teach ourselves, we preach to ourselves. But is there always?

It's entirely possible that not taking pills will lead me to kill myself, or lead me to be committed (which is the same as death but worse as far as I am concerned, and I would gladly kill myself rather than be committed to some bullshit medical place that doesn't care about people, only money and keeping a fucking schedule and pushing out NORMAL robots and servitors.) but taking them leads me to fall asleep driving and slam into a van full of a family, killing us all.

If I knew for certain that was the case, what's the right choice? the choice that kills fewer people? But we don't know. Maybe with one I am successful. On the flip side, maybe both ways I am successful.

I don't define success or worth as a person by an income level. Will I be happy with myself? I am the critic that matters most. I will HATE myself if I take pills, therefore while death is a possibility always (a plane could fall through the roof and kill me. Does not mean I find it likely. Death is always around and not far away, the trick is not in worrying, but still being ready.) I will auto-fail at life if I take the pills, and have a CHANCE, however large or small, of success by my terms if I don't, then clearly the right choice is not take them, right?

Employment status does not matter to me. Income does not matter to me. What matters is the person themselves. The flaw in this country is it views unemployment, or not going to college, whatever, as an act of laziness, always. You must not work hard enough because work hard enough in america and you will make your dream be real.

I hate those people. But me having hate isn't a news flash is it?

Ah, well. At least when I wake up tomorrow I'll feel better. Well, that used to be 100% reliably true. Long time ago. Because I'd forget. I'd just forget the entire bad feeling. Now and for a long time now I forget the problem but not the feeling sometimes. Sometimes I wake up fine.

I'm going to go for a walk.

I sometimes want to write out a last will and testament thing just in case and I can't talk about that because it sounds depressing. Well, maybe a drunk asshole drives through my wall and crushes me to death tomorrow, and then what?

It's not notarized, by nature can't be signed, but I'll make one in a file on this laptop. Maybe look back and laugh years later. Hopefully.

Phoenixx

01-05-2012, 02:36 PM

I am by no means an advocate for pills (in fact, I hate them) but there are instances that there is no other alternative. If you have tried everything else and nothing seems to help maybe it would be the right choice for you. I will say, if you do go that route, make sure that you see a doctor if you have suicide tendencies or feel like you could..I sadly lost a former co-worker/friend a year ago next month because he was battling severe depression and they changed his meds up on him. He was such a great dude, and I wish I had paid attention to the signs a little more..I will forever be haunted by our last face-to-face conversation. I should have seen them and wonder if I could have done something..

I wouldn't know you if I passed you on the street, and I most likely never will, but when I see/hear/read things like this, it does hit me like a ton of bricks, and I feel obligated to reach out to people that are in pain.

There is no shame in taking meds for the purpose they are intended for. You deserve to be happy.

SnakeEyez

01-06-2012, 12:40 AM

I wish I could help. I really do. I just...don't know what to say. I'm sorry. All I can do is hope that you find a favorable solution, whatever that may be.

ChukoLiang

01-06-2012, 02:25 AM

Alright. Now then.

Got a bit better grip now. So I'll announce the project I've already started, because it's better to be busy than not when one is vulnerable to such things.

I was on deviant art yesterday (Which lasted until 10 A.M. today, I measure "day" by exact day of the week and also by waking periods, so "day", "today", "yesterday" and "tomorrow" are funky terms for me, as 'tomorrow' is often technically 'today') and I found out that they have groups on that website. Instantly interested, I searched for "poetry" in the group section.

Now, I don't know what you guys feel about deviant art, to me it's just a place to post poetry. I don't do visual art, at all.

So there are 16 pages of poetry groups. I joined all on the first page that looked interesting (there were 3) and the third one I checked had something totally awesome: the 100 theme challenge.

You take all of these themes and write a poem of any kind about them, one each, and the first to get all 100 gets imaginary cookies. And bragging rights I guess.

Seeing as I have a love for writing poetry, have written a ton already, and am only lacking a prompt most days, I did the reasonable thing and wrote 8 poems in an hour before I went to sleep.

So I'm gonna do the challenge. Themes are in the spoiler, and the ones with an x after them (1-7, and 9) are already done. I am going to make this challenge my bitch.

THE 100 THEME CHALLENGE!

1. Introduction* x
2. Love* x
3. Light* x
4. Dark* x
5. Seeking Solace* x
6. Break Away* x
7. Heaven* x
8. Innocence*
9. Drive* x
10. Breathe Again*
11. Memory*
12. Insanity*
13. Misfortune*
14. Smile*
15. Silence*
16. Questioning*
17. Blood
18. Rainbow*
19. Gray*
20. Fortitude*
21. Vacation*
22. Mother Nature*
23. Cat*
24. No Time*
25. Trouble Lurking*
26. Tears*
27. Foreign*
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes
38. Abandoned*
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport*
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67%
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire*
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
100. Relaxation

I don't read these before I get to them as much as possible so I can't think about them beforehand.

I'll track my progress here in this thread.

ChukoLiang

01-08-2012, 01:34 AM

18 items done on that list of poems. Temporarily skipped 19 and 14.

In other news, I finally went to the place I kept wanting to go to for their fajitas, and holy shit so delicious. And it cost almost nothing! On saturdays (and now sundays I guess, but not before) they have fajitas at half price. We got fajitas for myself and my dad, both got drinks, and I got something else (an adventure itself) and the ticket was less than $20 after tax. Score.

The fajitas were good, but I determined they are only edible while warm. They are delicious warm, and then they cool down slightly and they're just not very good then.

Then I had a dessert, which I had no idea what it was by the name. Or, well, the appearance, either.

What was brought out I had been told was a "Mexican Donut", is what he explained it as, the server dude. Then he brings it out, and it looked like a toaster strudel (seriously) and they brought honey with it. I was unsure what to do with the honey, since I can't remember ever being in a restaurant and having honey be brought to me like that before. I put a small amount on the plate, tried this...I have no idea how to spell the name, or even what it was at this point. But it tasted like sugar, but more sugary. As in if I had just taken the bag of sugar out of our pantry and taken a bite's worth of sugar from that and stuffed it in my face it would not have been this sweet. And yet, it was good. I have never had something that sweet that I didn't hate before. I've had things LESS sweet tasting that I disliked because they were so sweet. Curious event.

For the record, it's actually not edible with honey because then it's just like a semi truck overflowing with pure sugar just ran you over.

But yes. That was delicious. The name was one of those names that someone with almost no grasp of spanish would make up, I imagine. It was like "El Sombrero" or something. I'm not bashing the owners or whatever, I just find it hilarious that the more indecipherable the name of the local, family-owned mexican places around here, the worse then end up being. "Los Palomas", I have no idea what that means, and their food was HORRIBLE. "Tacos Don Nacho" is delicious, and shit, I know what two of those words are. Then "El Sombrero", I mean, shit, that's a hat. I think.

Anyway. I'm going to post this now. It was delicious, and apparently fajitas are "tex-mex", which makes me think at some point a guy in texas ate a taco and said "This is good, but I can make it better. Let's get some hibachi shit in here, and make the meat STEAK and CHICKEN. That sounds TEXAN."

Which sounds exactly like something the very few people in texas I've known in my family would think up. Except they'd add bacon and just pig. Just carve up a pig and throw a big slab of pig on there. With BBQ sauce.

ChukoLiang

01-09-2012, 04:57 PM

19. Haven't been the most productive. Another therapy appointment later today. Will likely get the same thing I have the past sessions, every monday for several months:

"You are getting dangerously manic and need to take lithium."

"I took lithium by itself and it made me suicidally depressed and never happy, ever, for the entire time I took it by itself. And I won't take more than that because fuck taking 12 pills a night."

"You are misremembering, lithium did nothing negative to you."

"Bitch I know what happened. I researched this shit. Lithium made me want to kill myself for months and the only reason I didn't is it made me so apathetic I didn't care enough to find a method to do so."

"Well clearly you are wrong, because lithium never does that."

"I just told you it did. We still have yet to address the important problem, that being I have a crippling fear of driving a vehicle. It has been two months since I told you I want to find a way to suppress, conquer, clear, whatever, that fear. Because I can't drive with it and I need to drive. Let's talk about that."

"You're changing the subject and visibly upset. you must be manic."

"I AM NOT MANIC I AM PISSED THAT IT'S $60 FOR THIS AND ALL I GET FROM IT IS THAT YOU CALL ME MANIC"

"You're clearly manic, because you're upset."

"Oh yes. Because sane, rational people have no emotion ever. I must be a vulcan, or I am forever crazy. It's not rational to be upset at bullshit all over."

"You must be exaggerating."

"You want to see the hole in the door? I can take a photo if you'd like. It's still there. you want photos of the messes everywhere I get to have the fun time of cleaning myself or my dad will clean them, and he doesn't HAVE a good joint in his body?"

"You're exaggerating, your speech is pressured."

"Because I have 45 minutes a week to try to find a solution. You'd be feeling pressure if you were in a similar situation with someone who similarly insisted you were insane when you just wanted to know the answer to a simple question."

"You should take lithium and then come in and talk to me. Take it five days before you come in."

"How about I don't take lithium and then be a corpse in five days?"

"You're exaggerating and irrational."

"Well, being polite has gotten me walked over and treated like shit in almost every area I talk to people. Does being impolite or desperate make me insane?"

"Well, you're clearly manic."

The only reason I continue to go is I'm not gonna find a different therapist and I'm sure that switching therapists for disagreeing is a sign of being crazy. And, you know, it's also a sign of being fed up with bullshit. But I must be crazy.

Bullshit all around.

ChukoLiang

01-17-2012, 06:52 PM

I lost 40 pounds, from 220 to 180, with no exercise. In fact, I have GAINED weight before I finally measured at 180.

I call it the "Not enough food" diet.

Working my way back to a place where I don't feel like a carcass.

In other news, I am the god of galciv 2. Tried to play FoK again, it worked yesterday but not today.

Stupid acer and its burned-ness.

Also, lost my wallet about a month ago, have yet to find it. Since it contains my driver's permit, that's kind of a problem.

Also lost the paperwork I need filled out to be certified able to drive. Or the permit gets revoked.

ChukoLiang

01-18-2012, 11:46 PM

And apparently I'm going to indiana again soon.

Grandfather's given up. So that's nice. Got a funeral I'm going to refuse to attend that I'll get dragged to anyway.

ChukoLiang

01-20-2012, 08:59 PM

Grandfather's dead.

Not going to Indiana. I'll be the only person here, a lone bastion against the world, with limited supplies and resources to a knife-edge budget.

Bring it the fuck on, world.

SnakeEyez

01-21-2012, 12:09 AM

Oh, your grandfather died? Sorry to hear that.

Guess this means that wild parties are out of the question, huh? Unless those party costs have already been factored into the knife-edge budget.

ChukoLiang

01-21-2012, 11:32 PM

They have not been factored.

Also, there's a good chance I won't have a laptop that can be used for such things as typing out posts available to me while I'm here, since LOL it's needed in indiana.

ChukoLiang

01-26-2012, 06:47 AM

No laptop, but totally have that shitty desktop I bash all the time I talk about it.

It's shitty.

In other news, apparently my entire body's worth of skin decided to itch really badly now. That's just a thing it does I guess.

GDI.

Bad news: No way in hell I'm getting more supplies.

Good news: TOTALLY able to bitch as loud and often as I want since absolutely nobody can hear.

I'm gonna go for a walk. Maybe the cool air will help. Or maybe I'll just strip the flesh off in public. Either way's an adventure.

If you hear about some dude who flayed his own skin off with his fingernails in oklahoma on the news tomorrow, you know who it was.

I go to conquer the unknown.

Back now. totally didn't walk. gonna switch to windows again. I hope this doesn't explode in viruses or I'm kind of fucked. Calculated risk, motherfuckers. Calculated risk.

ChukoLiang

01-31-2012, 01:36 AM

Got three screens right now. PC, PS3's HD TV, and the CRT for the PS3. I'd take pictures but I don't know how to put them on here from my cell phone.

ChukoLiang

02-21-2012, 05:31 AM

Guess what, guys?

The leech brother is leaving for good (hopefully) to indiana soon.

I need music for the celebration. Any and all suggestions welcome. Gonna make a playlist. Target length is at least 10 hours.

SnakeEyez

02-21-2012, 05:57 AM

ChukoLiang

02-21-2012, 06:08 AM

Masterplan! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masterplan_%28band%29) Look up some of their stuff on Youtube if you're curious.

Glad to hear that he-who-must-not-be-named is leaving. Hopefully things will get a little easier for you once that negative influence is gone from your life.

Kickass stuff so far. Helloween's gonna get added to the playlist in addition since they were on that page and hey, they're good too I imagine.

ChukoLiang

03-14-2012, 03:49 PM

Ran a Dark Heresy game over skype yesterday.

Smashing, resounding success. Great time all around.

FishinForSam

03-15-2012, 04:03 AM

Ran a Dark Heresy game over skype yesterday.

Smashing, resounding success. Great time all around.

I played that game it was awesome....FREAKIN TECH PRIESTS!